Raw Minds
Welcome to Raw Minds, the podcast where we explore the challenges and triumphs of men's mental health, single fatherhood, and daily life experiences. In each episode, we dive deep into the issues that go on in men's minds, sharing personal stories and insights that can help you better understand yourself and the world around you. Whether you're a single dad, dealing with mental health challenges, or simply looking for inspiration and guidance, this podcast is for you. So, sit back, relax, and join us on this journey of self-discovery and growth.
Raw Minds
Raw Minds S2 Ep. 6 - The Silent Struggle: Overcoming Trauma
Have you ever considered that trauma isn't just about the events that happen to us, but rather what unfolds within us as a result? We dive into this intricate world on Raw Minds, sharing personal stories that reveal how even the smallest incidents can shape our lives in unexpected ways. From childhood embarrassments to the complexities of the healthcare system, we use our own experiences to illustrate the multi-layered nature of trauma and the essential role of personal responsibility in the healing journey.
Our conversation doesn't shy away from the tough topics. We tackle the emotional toll of healthcare system failures, sharing poignant stories, like a father's agonizing wait for surgery, to highlight systemic issues. Through these narratives, we emphasize the impact of trauma on our mental health and relationships, urging listeners not to let past wounds justify hurtful behaviors toward others. We challenge the notion of being "triggered" and discuss how taking charge of our healing is vital for breaking the cycles of anger and victimhood.
Finally, we explore the power of vulnerability, facing fears, and finding light within darkness. Inspired by Manson's Law of Avoidance, we encourage embracing life's uncertainties, sharing personal anecdotes about overcoming anxiety and stepping out of comfort zones. We conclude by inviting listeners to connect with us on social media and consider sharing their stories on our show, reinforcing the importance of support and connection in the healing process. Join us on this heartfelt exploration toward healing and self-discovery, because while the journey is challenging, it's also profoundly transformative.
yeah, yeah, yeah. Welcome back to the show where we shatter the silence on men's mental health. We are unedited, unfiltered.
Speaker 2:And, as always, we are going raw. I'm Anthony.
Speaker 3:My name is Joey and I'm Eric and we're your hosts, and welcome to Raw Minds.
Speaker 1:Some fucking trauma right off the start there Fuck a little bit. I think I kind of tripped and fell on our head today.
Speaker 3:Yeah, you guys must have had a little bit of a trauma, Some trauma buddy, some trauma man.
Speaker 1:Welcome back you boys. Yes, yes, another fun-filled night of talking about our fucking problems. Mm-hmm, hell yeah, man that's how we do.
Speaker 3:That's what we do.
Speaker 1:If you guys are just tuning in for the first time, we are Raw Minds. We are based around men's mental health and mental health in general. I mean, you know we get a lot of messages from the female side too. So I mean, if it helps you, that's what we're doing this for. So I mean, if it helps you, that's what we're doing this for, and make sure you follow us and hit the like button and subscribe. We are on all social media platforms and yeah, that's what we do, man. So welcome to the show. If you're just tuning in, we thank you. Show. If you're just tuning in, we thank you and we are all about giving back and helping whoever it is that we can help so well said, well said so who's shayster?
Speaker 3:trauma, so trauma, what is trauma?
Speaker 1:that is the biggest question trauma, and that is something that every single person on this planet adults and teenagers too that really on some form deal with, and there's so many different levels to it, from mild to excessive and just extreme Right.
Speaker 2:Let's just start with the Oxford definition of trauma A deeply distressing or disturbing experience. That's a very broad thing, say it again. Like Joey said, there's a deeply distressing or disturbing experience. That's the Oxford definition of trauma. Okay, so, like Joey said, there's levels to this shit and it's such a general thing Like I don't know. Where do you guys want to start? Do we want to talk childhood trauma, relationship trauma? Well, I don't know.
Speaker 3:Where do you guys want to start? Do we want to start? Childhood trauma, relationship trauma Well, I mean, it's all trauma, Like I mean, but it's hard to determine too, because also, then you have accidental trauma.
Speaker 1:Well, I mean, I think trauma is just such a general, you know it's such a general, what's just a word that describes all of it? Right, and because they're pretty much, and there's so much of it on so many different levels, you know, and some things that are traumatic to one person may not be traumatic to another, yeah, you know. So it really depends on the person and the scenarios and the situations that we have to deal with and go through, right, yeah, definitely, but a lot of people, you know, and what trauma really is is not so much what happened to you, it's what happened inside of you, right, it's a psychic wound that was sustained. It's a psychic wound that was sustained, right, so it's what happens inside of you. Yeah, right, and the real messed up part about trauma, the biggest part about trauma, is that trauma isn't your fault, but it's your responsibility for healing.
Speaker 1:Yeah, which is that's the fucked up part when you look at it like that, because you, you know, trauma is things that have happened to you, things that you've had to deal with, right, the um, you don't create your own trauma. You create your own drama and stress, but trauma, you know what I mean and the, but trauma is things that have happened to you or you've had to endure and you know that wasn't your fault, and this, this, like I said, the the shittiest part of that is it's, but it's your responsibility to heal from that Right. Well, there's different kinds.
Speaker 3:There's there's different kinds there's. There's physical, mental, um psychological as well. Right, so it comes from, for sure, all different types um it really depends on it.
Speaker 2:Like I find, like just thinking of my own traumas, like I feel, like it's kind of like Joey said, like it's your reaction, right, like things that I perceive. Like thinking about my traumas, like I've got some really fucking stupid ones and the only reason I regard them as traumas because I can still recount those scenarios in my head and they're the ones fucking stupid and we'll talk about it, but it's, it's a's, it's a, it's a way you perceive the situation, right, like I decided that that was going to be trauma or traumatic to me, right, like the situation in itself, like nobody I can tell you. I'll just tell you what it was like the one I was trying to think of, like the different kind of, the different levels of trauma that I have, because, like I've got a fair bit, like being in recovery and stuff, like I've got lots of trauma, but I remember being in fucking public school and, man, do you remember those tear away pants with the buttons down the side?
Speaker 3:I used to wear them all the time.
Speaker 2:So I was pushing one of my friends on the swing I'm talking like public school, like grade six, and my fucking pants got caught on the swing and the swing just ripped them right off. You know, like I don't let that type of trauma define my life today, but like the fact that I can still recount that so vividly, like that's still technically fucking trauma, you know. I mean like I was so embarrassed in that situation that my pants got ripped off and my underwear was shown and I was a kid like it was how I perceived the situation that I hung on to it as long as I have. Like that was fucking 30 years ago, man, but now, if that was you.
Speaker 3:You'd be standing there fucking, hands at your waist, proud man smiling like yeah yeah, whatever. Yeah, I mean it's, I guess, little things happen at at certain times. You know that'll affect you in different ways, definitely, um, but what I was trying to say earlier um, I I kind of slipped up on there is um, do you believe too, like, personally, I believe that trauma stems from, you know, like ptsd you get, or other things right, trauma creates these other, these other fears or diagnosis. You guys, you guys believe the same?
Speaker 1:oh, 100 and I that's probably facts. Well, it is facts, I believe, because it's 100, 100 like when I even look back at some of my own traumas in my life and my depression. Well, my depression stemmed from those traumas and it stemmed like my anxieties, you know, came from traumas that I've had to endure or deal with or I didn't deal with, especially not deal with Right, and most people have all these traumas and things that happen to them but they never deal with it. So it creates more anxiety and they're overthinking and all these that stem from it, right, especially really traumatic, uh, situations and things that happen.
Speaker 1:You know, look at soldiers in the army, right, they go to war, they're fine, they come back, they see their friends getting blown up and this and that like very harsh realities and traumatic experiences. And they come back and now they're different. They got the PTSD, they got the depression, then now they're drinking all the time, but they weren't like that before they left, but because of a situation or something that they've witnessed or had to endure, that changes somebody, right, and even, yeah, heart, even just heartbreak, you know, can be very traumatic for for people on how they take that and changes them right, true, because if you look at say okay no, I'm just gonna say is look at yourself before you date somebody.
Speaker 1:And your life is good. You're, you know, you're happy, you're elevating, you're doing this, you're doing that, you date someone. It's all great. But then at the end it ends and that's where you know a lot of people with the heartbreak. And look how you feel, look how you act. Your life is shattered, you feel like it's over. Now you're boozing and now you can't think straight. You're doing this, doing that. It's all because of that event and that situation in your life.
Speaker 1:So all these traumatic events or anything that people have had to deal with or been through definitely changes them for sure. But now that also. But then that goes back to what I said earlier. But it's your responsibility for the healing. Nobody else's Exactly Right. It may not be your fault what happened to you, but it's up to you to change that and deal with it and fix it. It's your responsibility, regardless of what it is and I know we get kicked in the face constantly in life and some of these things it is so hard to bounce back from and pull yourself up right, like we always say. It's okay to take a knee right. We get knocked down. You're human beings, you know, but it's only up to you to get up and stand up and keep pushing and deal with it.
Speaker 3:So let me ask you this how would you describe trauma in your own words? Me, yeah. What does it mean to you? And then Anthony, after and Anthony after.
Speaker 1:Well, I mean, it's just. There's not really in my words. It's basically the Oxford Dictionary definition of what Anthony said. Right, it's just terrible things that has happened to you or that you've had to witness.
Speaker 3:Right yeah, but I mean, like, what is it to you Like? What is it to you like? What is it to you like, how does it make your? Experience like my experience like how, how does it? How does it make you feel? Like, what is it? What is trauma described to you like? How does it make you feel?
Speaker 1:well, if I look back, because, well, I mean, it kind of goes, like I said, with certain things that play off of the trauma and for me, like losing my three-year-old nephew and losing a son and all these things in my life and, uh, childhood being abused as a child, and these are all things that I carried and when I look at the trauma, like that created the depression, the constant state of depression, the high anxiety disorder at the time and all these things, right. So trauma is just I don't even know how to describe it in my own words, it's just life-altering. Yeah, definitely, it's definitely life-altering. But again, it's what you do with that, right, because you can use you know, we said this a long time ago is you use that pain to drive you, not destroy? You know, we said this a long time ago is you use that pain to drive you, not destroy you? But most people let that. Most people let that pain destroy them, right?
Speaker 1:but if you can turn that pain, turn that heartache, turn that loss into your driving force. You become a monster and in a good way right, and you work harder than you've never worked, you elevate in your life and they just you just flip it. But a lot of people can't get there because there's it's such a traumatic experience and some people aren't built to deal with that. In general, some people are just super soft and sensitive and not strong enough. You know, for prime example, real quick, one of my best high school friends, my mom's favorite, his wife left him. That was it.
Speaker 1:His life was good, two kids, married, well, was married and good job. But his wife left him for someone else. A week or two later he hung himself in his closet. He just he wasn't strong enough to deal with that. Yeah, he thought his life was over and that was it, and it's truly heartbreaking. But some people aren't built and or strong enough to push through that. So it's understandable. But, however, it's still your responsibility. Where you have people that count on you, you have children, you got wife, you got kids, all these things you know, and a lot of people feel like they don't got nobody or they're alone. But I promise you that there's somebody there that would be hurting if you weren't here anymore.
Speaker 1:I guarantee it, yeah, and you don't real and they don't realize the people that you touch in your day to day, right, you know, it's just like our show is. Yeah, we get a couple messages here and there that are super touching and even emotional because people are struggling. But how many people have we actually helped that haven't said nothing? So how many people that you've passed in your day that you, you changed something for them or made their day better because of you? They didn't end their life because they felt someone cared. So just know that there's there's. Whether you feel alone or not, man, there's people there that would hurt if you weren't here, right?
Speaker 3:yeah, so well, I actually can we, can we, can we switch this up a little bit? Can I throw a wrench into this bad boy? What's?
Speaker 3:up man, um, I think we should just, if you guys are okay with it, touch on something very traumatic that happened, that's, that's changed your life. Um, you know, just for everybody to show that we're all fucking human. Man, you know that we've been through shit. We're still fucking going through that shit. You know, and you're not alone. And that's what this is all about is, you know, we make this platform for you guys to come on and understand that you know you're not alone. There's other people.
Speaker 2:That's hurting are you asking us to trauma dump on our listeners? No, man, just something that sounds like it that's what it sounds like, doesn't it?
Speaker 1:yeah, I'm down, I'm not complaining, yeah just a little story man we're going deep.
Speaker 3:We're going deep. Yeah, man, trauma is a deep thing, man. So I think you know it might as be, you know everybody is, you know we'll show everybody we're vulnerable. We can fucking do this. If we can do it, you guys can do it right. This is the the whole meaning about this whole podcast, anyways uh well, I can.
Speaker 1:Uh well, there's so many that's been. It's sad, but it's true I get gooder.
Speaker 3:Oh yeah, just pick a gooder. We talk about it all the time. I mean, if you haven't listened before In our other Episodes, I mean we've opened up a little bit so you can.
Speaker 1:It's been a while, actually, that we've really done that right. You know what? I dated this girl I'm going to make this as short as possible. Long time ago Dated this girl. I'm going to make this as short as possible. Long time ago dated this girl. Everything was good.
Speaker 1:At that time, I really wanted to be a chef and we're going back years ago now, when I was probably 22,. 20 years ago, I always wanted to be a chef. Coming out of high school, I got accepted to the third best culinary arts university and it was far away, far from where we were. At that time I knew that that's the route I wanted to take. She couldn't come with me, she had other obligations here and I left to go to school and fast forward. Two years later, I came back from school and I moved back and we were on good terms. We just didn't have contact different phone number, different area to go to all that shit right.
Speaker 1:Two years later, I come back, sit and having lunch one day with a friend and eating fried chicken because I remember the day very clearly and her best friend at the time walked by the window and she's freaking out. Oh my god, oh my god. I'm like well, nice to see you too, but what's up, and she's like um, you know, after you left she was pregnant and she had a baby and it's yours. Out of nowhere dropped my food, my lunch, on the. So I called her up and I'm freaking out now Like all of a sudden I'm a dad. But she didn't know when I left she was pregnant either. Right, so it's not like that. So she just didn't know how to get a hold of me and blah, blah, blah. So I get a hold of her, we talk it out, turns out, you know it's my son and we start talking. We start talking and get back together. Well, we got back together for two years and like he was my whole world, like called my mom and grandma, like that little boy you know was my whole world. I spent every minute. You know what I mean. Like I just love being a dad. I go to work.
Speaker 1:One time I had to leave town for a week and while I was out at work she cheated on me and all. And I found out, obviously, and in the argument, big yelling, big screaming. You know I'm hurt, I'm crying, I'm broken. You know he cheated on me. Well, just to add gasoline to the fire in the argument. She's like by way, that's not your son after two years and I'm like I'm sorry, what? And, of course, being cheated on. Now you just threw that on me because the guy she cheated on me, which she now wanted to be with right now keep in mind, when I dated her, she didn't drink and she she barely drank and didn't do drugs. So there's a reason why I'm saying that for my birthday.
Speaker 1:I'm a mess. I just got told I don't have a son and I was just cheated on by the person that I thought I loved at the time. My mom got me a DNA test for my birthday. That was my birthday present Cause back back then it was like 700 bucks or something like that. I come to my mom's the envelope's on the table. I opened the envelope on my birthday, not my son. That day I lost my son and that day I phoned her and as much as I hated her for it to even do that, I told her I don't care what this piece of paper says. I still want to take him every weekend. I'm his dad, he calls me dad, that's my boy, and that that day I opened that piece of paper. I never seen him again. There was nothing I could do and she wouldn't let me take him. She wanted to be with this guy. She ended up having a kid with that guy another baby and that destroyed me obviously.
Speaker 1:And all I wanted to do was be there, even no matter what this piece of paper said. And from that next six months I drinking every day, obviously drinking and driving bar fights. That was a mess, mess, yeah, fucked your shit up. Three years later, I'm at the water park with my cousin and our kids and I'm standing there and all of a sudden, behind me I get a tug on the back of my shirt. I turn around, it's him. I haven't seen him in three years, just like that overnight.
Speaker 1:Overnight, I lost my son. Three years later he's tugging on the back of my shirt at a water park and he's like I know you. He's like you're daddy Joe. And I've never been speechless in my entire life and I couldn't say a word and I was just. But I knew it was him. And I look up and in the distance I could see the mother walking through the parking lot like kind of like scurrying. So I didn't see her. And to go back, how I said she didn't do drugs when I dated her, well, that guy did do drugs, got her on drugs and two weeks after I seen him at the park, his mother OD'd and died in the living room in front of her kids because of him. So my experience trauma and died in the living room in front of her kids because of him.
Speaker 1:So my experience that kid's going to have some trauma and you think I had trauma. But that child, that little boy man, I feel my heart for that child more than what I've had to deal with in that situation. And I was a mess and obviously even now if that happened to me at my age it would still be a disaster, but at least I would have the tools. You know, back then I didn't have the tools and I just drove my car into basically anything and didn't care. I gave up, I didn't care Until this day. You know, I still think about him.
Speaker 1:But it turns out he wasn't my son and he wasn't anybody was. So I lost the son after two years, just like that, overnight, by a piece of paper, because she wanted to be with some guy that was partying and all this shit. So you know, and that's you know, and that kind of makes me think, with some of the people listening that deal with these things is. It also made me realize even telling this story now is a lot of people don't have these tools to help get through these things, let alone being a sensitive person that can't deal with it, like my buddy that hung himself right, he didn't have the tools, he didn't know how to to, you know, pick himself back up and, just like me, I barely picked myself up at 20 years old or 22 years old. You know what I?
Speaker 3:mean. Well, especially in the world that we're living in now, man, it's everything's fucked. I mean health care is all messed up. It really is. Man Can.
Speaker 2:I touch on that please.
Speaker 3:Go ahead, buddy yeah.
Speaker 2:So before I get into my trauma, I'll tell you guys a story. So last night I was at the hospital after my dad's operation and he was in post-op ICU and my brother and I are sitting in this family room. It was like 9.30 at night. Brother and I are sitting in this family room, it's like 9 30 at night and this woman comes in and you could tell she was distressed, like a security guard just brought her into the room and my brother's very social and he's like oh, like, what are you here for? And she's like oh, I'm here for my partner and my husband. And, uh, we're she's. We were just kind of shooting the shit, just gathering like minimal amount of information. And then my brother's just kind of like oh, like, what happened? She's like well, I came home from work and I saw him Laying on the floor of the kitchen With his Stomach like Like his insides on his outsides, essentially, is the way she had put it. And we're just like oh my god, like, was it self inflicted or was it accidental? And she's like oh my god, like, was it self-inflicted or was it accidental? And she's like I'm pretty sure it was self-inflicted because three weeks before he was in the hospital. He was in the military he had deployed into afghanistan, came home, went to the hospital last week, got sent home and then now he's there for a major surgery because he essentially fucking gutted himself. And this is what fucking infuriate, infuriates me about the government and our healthcare system.
Speaker 2:My dad's been in the hospital for over two and a half months awaiting the lung surgery that he finally had. They've just been there pumping him full of drugs the day. They anticipate him, anticipate him on having the surgery every single day. So he has to fast, so he's not allowed to eat, and then finally, at seven o'clock at night, they tell him that he's allowed to eat because the surgery's not happening. He was supposed to have it last monday. That was literally seven days ago. So about now, well, two hours ago today, a week ago, he would have been told that he's not having the surgery and he can finally fucking eat today.
Speaker 2:So there's two big problems with this. For one, we're understaffed when it comes to health care, because no human being should sit in a hospital for that long awaiting a surgery and my dad's not a healthy man by any means. He's older and all they were doing is pumping him full of fucking hydromorphine Oxycontin. That's all they were doing is pumping pumping him full of fucking hydromorphine Oxycontin. That's all they were doing. And then the other problem is is when it comes to mental health stuff, it's not taking taken fucking serious enough, especially when it comes to men.
Speaker 2:I sat and talked with this woman for 45 minutes before I was able to go in and see my dad, and this is the exact conversation we had. Because what they did in in ontario they just uh, the provincial government just passed a law that they can sell like alcohol in private stores, so you can literally go into any fucking store, the convenience store, the gas station, you can buy, where I grab my monsters in the morning. There's literally two fridges in the in the gas station. It's one of those like mini gas bars and they sell beer on one side.
Speaker 2:So thank god we can fucking buy beer in the gas station at seven in the morning now. But god forbid, someone is struggling mentally, who served our fucking country, who's now in the hospital because he essentially tried to gut himself alive yeah, you know like man and and again now think of his poor wife walking in and seeing her husband literally fucking ripped wide open on the on the kitchen floor.
Speaker 2:And then there's my dad starving and just being pumped full of oxygen but lo and behold, we have beer in the fucking gas stations now. So that's just one thing that I have a serious problem with is the way that health care like handles this type of stuff. It handles anything and really like it's a fucking joke. Man like I.
Speaker 2:I've had conversations with people a lot recently and it's like it would almost be better to be in the states, even though it costs a shit ton of money. At least when you need the care you get the fucking care. You're not sitting in a hospital bed on pain management or you go in for mental health issues and they send you out the door with a fucking ativan and tell you to go home and get some sleep. That guy clearly suffers major PTSD. She was telling us that. I'm assuming he told the doctors that when he was there the week before and that's how he gets treated he literally has to fucking gut himself to fucking get a bed and actually talk to someone. That's insane, man. That's insane, it's sad man.
Speaker 3:Well, I think it was in Saskatchewan. I just heard the hospital shuts down, I think at like 12 o'clock, and this guy was knocking on the door because he was having a heart attack and they told him sorry, we can't help you. And they kept the doors locked and they called an ambulance and they had to take him an hour away, ridiculous. Yeah, that's fucking ridiculous, man what kind of fucking hospital shuts down man, and then you're telling patients they got to go. They're just going to you.
Speaker 2:Let them die on your fucking front door. I know I would hate to be, and don't get me wrong, this isn't a job at the workers right.
Speaker 3:No.
Speaker 2:This has very minimal to do with the workers. It's the healthcare system in itself. That's just a fucking disaster. Man. So that poor woman having to deal with that trauma. And then, yeah, the trauma that I dealt with yesterday, sitting at my son's birthday and my brother calls me and says you better show up. Dad's saying he doesn't want to die on your son's birthday. That's fucking traumatic. That broke me, man, yesterday. That like sent me over the edge.
Speaker 2:I've been so strong when it comes to my dad being in the hospital. I've been the the, the grounding person in the whole family, like he's in the best place, he's getting the best care, like there's nothing we can do except show up when he needs us. And like I was just so burnt out yesterday by the time that that had happened that I literally had to leave my son's birthday party to just go to the hospital. I took the day off work to be at the hospital just to spend time with a man. Like, yeah, fucking trauma sucks, man, trauma sucks. What about you, eric? What's? What's your defining moment of trauma in your life?
Speaker 3:oh god, it turned into ptsd. Oh, let's, let's, let's crack the crack, this one open. Um, I was in a summer camp. I was five years old and, uh, I got in trouble for whatever I did because I was a little pain in the ass, little prick at that time in my life.
Speaker 3:And, yeah, for about half an hour 45 minutes I had to sit at the picnic table inside the mess hall and this teacher would just grab a fork and there was like McDonald's trays, like it looks like, or whatever food trays, and it was cubes of meat, I think it was pork.
Speaker 3:And this camp counselor all she did was and it was cubes of meat, I think it was pork.
Speaker 3:And this camp counselor, all she did was she would grab a fork, jam it in the food, jam it in my throat and then jam it and then hold it right in front of my lips until I finished eating that piece and she just kept on shoving food in my mouth and I would get up and run to the bathroom, puke it out, get back up, run back, sit down and she would just keep on feeding me this shit and it pretty much fucked up my mental state that from the age of five, all the way to 32 years old, I didn't eat meat because every time I wanted to eat it it brought back me puking it up into that moment, even though I wanted to eat it, so bad it would smell good.
Speaker 3:My best friend that passed away, he was on MasterChef Canada. The guy could cook and he would try to like trick me all the time just so I could eat it, because I knew like I wanted to eat it. But because of the PTSD it just fucked me up and every time I tried to eat it I would just puke and then finally I just kind of overcame that. So yeah, that was fucked up.
Speaker 2:I feel like trauma plays a huge part in shaping us as human beings, you know and kind of like we talked about some of it's big, some of it's small, um, but yeah, I, I, I feel like it's a really good indicator of the defining you as a person. But there is one thing that I want to touch on. If you guys want to chime in on this as well don't weaponize your fucking trauma against somebody else, right like, don't be a shitty person to someone else because you have your own issues and the the best example I'll give you and I I watched this movie on netflix last night.
Speaker 2:I don't know if you guys have seen it on there, I don't even know if you'd be interested in it, but I I would, genuinely wasn't. Then I started watching and I was like holy fuck, this is kind of wild. Um, the best example I'll give you is is when it comes to trans people, and and not like, I'm not saying anything bad about trans people, but it's the ones who, who, weaponize being misgendered. You know, like, like, you don't have to be a fucking asshole because of it if it's an accident.
Speaker 2:So there's a, a new documentary on netflix. It's called will and harper and it's about will ferrell and one of his writers when he was on SNL. His original name was Andy and then he transitioned into this woman named Harper and what they do is they go on a road trip across America to all the places that she used to go when she was a man, to just see what the experience was like, and it was really eye-opening for me. It was super informative about the experience was like um, and it was really eye-opening for me, like it was super like informative about the experience of transitioning from a man to a woman and and how he she was perceived like fuck, I just did it there how she was perceived after she she transitioned and going back into the same places that she used to go as a woman and there was a lot of hateful stuff and this was obviously before the documentary had come out.
Speaker 2:Like they were saying, will ferrell was jumping on the trend with hanging out with trans people and all this, and that wasn't the case at all. It was one of his best friends. But don't weaponize your trauma against other people and don't be fucking mad at other people for not realizing your trauma. You know like you don't have to wear your trauma on your sleeve, but that doesn't give you a free pass to be a fucking asshole to other people in the world, and just misgendering is just a fucking example. So much stuff like child abuse. It's like playing a victim, isn't it Almost?
Speaker 1:That's exactly it that too, and not just weaponizing it but using it as an excuse for why your life is shitty or it gives you. No, it is not a reason to treat people like shit. Yeah, because, oh, I'm like this because of that. And then when you get arguments in a relationship, you're like, well, I'm just so used to this and I'm so used to that, like I don't fuck, I don't care, I'm not them. Yeah, you know. And especially when you're trying to be whether it's a relationship, friendship, whatever like I'm a good person, I'm trying to be kind, I'm trying to be nice, I'm trying to show you I care, and then you're using this bullshit as an excuse.
Speaker 1:That happened to you 13 years ago. You got to drop that shit. Like I'm sorry that all this happened to you I really am. But again, like what I said at the very beginning, it is your responsibility to heal Yours, nobody else's Right.
Speaker 1:So, whatever it is that has happened to you I know I was through these abusive relationships and it's heartbreaking and I'm sorry that you had to go through that and deal with that and family loss and all of it, because we lived it. The only difference between us and some of you is that we chose to do something about it. We hit a breaking point. We decided that's enough. We don't want to feel like this anymore. I'm tired of bleeding on people that didn't cut me, you know. I'm tired of people not wanting to hang out with me because I'm the way I was being like that or always miserable, always angry, always fuck the world, you know, playing that victim card. But it's again. I'll say it every fucking week it's where you are in your life is because of you, nobody else, not because what happened to you. It's the choices that you have made that has put you where you are today.
Speaker 1:You know, and it's a struggle through your traumas and that's why we're talking about it tonight, because we just talked about something that we've dealt with and I could sit here for fucking weeks with the amount of shit that I've lived, but, regardless, like it wasn't my fault, I was abused as a child. You know it wasn't my fault that my three-year-old nephew died. It wasn't my fault that I lost my son Right.
Speaker 1:But it's still my responsibility to heal from that and it is so hard and I get it, and it is so hard and it is a struggle every day, but it is still your responsibility. It's only up to you. So these things that happen to you is no excuse. Do not weaponize it, do not play that card because of that. That's why you are the way you are. You are that way not because of that, because you allowed yourself to become that. That's the difference. You chose not to deal with it. You chose to push it down. You chose to blame everybody else, because it was easier not to look yourself in the face and take accountability and take responsibility, or whatever the situation.
Speaker 2:You know what A word that I really hate too. That kind of goes along with everything that you're saying right now Is triggers or triggered.
Speaker 2:I understand triggers, but triggered I'm sorry you're offended, or something I said or did upset you or triggered triggers I understand triggers, but triggered, I'm sorry You're offended, or something I said or did upset you. So now you want me to compromise what I believe in and what I feel to make you feel more safe, and okay, I'm sorry, but that's not how the fucking world works, you know. So now? So now I have to feel uncomfortable because you feel uncomfortable. So now I have to change the way that I act, feel and behave because you're uncomfortable. That's not how the fucking world works. If you're so triggered by something for one, you need to do more fucking work on yourself.
Speaker 2:And two, remove yourself from the situation. And two, remove yourself from the situation. And if you keep putting yourself in that situation, like Joey said, you are there because you put yourself there. You may not have been the cause of why you ended up there originally or why you feel the way you feel about a situation, but if you put yourself in that situation guess what? Nobody fucking dragged you there you put yourself there. So it's up to you to remove yourself from that. But do the fucking work on yourself so that this doesn't become a a pattern of insanity that you go through. So now you want everybody else to tiptoe around you. The best example I can give you is is my recovery. Like I get sober and then I'm going to go to house parties and then just be fucking mad at everybody for drinking.
Speaker 2:Like no, I fucking put myself there.
Speaker 2:And so now I'm going to give everybody shit at the party for drinking. No, that's not how that works. If I'm uncomfortable in a situation and it has happened, I don't care how much sober time I have it has happened I will remove myself from the situation and I know where the line is. There's a line, especially when it comes to drinking, where people will keep telling the same story and they'll ask you the same questions or hear the same thing over and over again, and that's usually my cue to get out, Because by that time I've had enough genuine conversations. Everybody's well past where they should be and they're going to carry on. I have no business being there anymore and I'm out. But what am I going to do? Sit there and fucking scold them? No, so don't what. What the fuck did I say earlier? I can't even think because that's firing me up.
Speaker 2:Yeah, pretty much just saying manage your fucking triggers yeah, yeah, don't be mad at other people for triggering you.
Speaker 1:Yeah, do the work so that you don't get triggered well, and that's another thing is most people don't want to do the work because talking about it triggers them. These things trigger them. They don't want to tell somebody in a room that they were touched when they were a child. Nobody, nobody, wants to admit that. I get it, I, I was that person, hi, but and most people don't. Because just, and some people like, well, I'm me, I'm different, I, I'm an open book, I'll talk about all these problems all day long and it's not a trigger. But I know some people you talk about one thing that that was really bad. I give them that, yeah in their life, and they hyperventilate brown paper, bag it. I don't want to talk about it. They get angry, they storm away and it just fuck sets them off right.
Speaker 1:And that's what happens, even in the relationships too. Is all these the way that people act in relationships and you see guys flipping tables and always angry and screaming at dude. Those are triggers. But that's stemming from something way before that relationship. 1 million percent. Because most of the time, what your little argument with your wife or your boyfriend or whatever? It might be heated, but not for someone to go and punch holes in the walls and this, that is an act of trauma from their past that they never dealt with. 100% Right, and that's why most people won't go get the help is one they don't want to believe that they're fucked up. They're embarrassed to say what happened to them, so they bury it and they don't want to trigger. They get triggered because they know how much anxiety it'll cause them and how much stress and anger and they won't sleep and this and that, but the only way the only way to fight the demons that chase you is to turn around and face them.
Speaker 2:I was going to say the only way to handle this shit or deal with your trauma is to fucking face it. Yeah, but in all honesty, though, like even my biggest traumas, you know like working through them out loud is not as big as they are in my head or in my heart. You know, like my biggest one, I would have to say is is being adopted and dealing with trauma of, like, abandonment issues, but in my head I can make it such a big fucking thing. But when I talk about it out loud, regardless of being adopted or not, I've had the same mother since I was fucking born, the same father, the same two brothers. Along the way, I met my biological family and I gained another brother and I gained another mother, but in my head it doesn't sound or feel like that right. So the more I talk about it, the quieter it it gets, and it's not that big of a deal.
Speaker 2:That's my experience with adoption and stuff abuse, be it child abuse, sexual, physical, verbal, whatever, um. The only thing that I've learned when it comes to some of that stuff because I've dealt with some of it, um is if you don't deal with it, you are keeping yourself sick because of somebody else, just like joey said, it's up to you to fix it, but if you stay sick, that's because you choose to stay sick. We know how fucking scary it is to face and deal with this shit, but that's why we're here doing this now, because we realized after we had started doing it it really wasn't that fucking big of a deal. It's not fun.
Speaker 2:This is fun. I enjoy this.
Speaker 3:This is fun.
Speaker 2:Yeah, to deal with the heavy shit it's a lot easier than you think it's going to be. I can say that with confidence. For me it was.
Speaker 1:Nothing can kill you faster than the thoughts in your own head. Yep, exactly.
Speaker 3:You're your biggest critic man. You're going to fight yourself the whole time. You know, and that's the thing is, you're fighting yourself. Write it out, write it out on a piece of paper, you know, like you.
Speaker 1:You said seek the help you know and we're all fucked. It's the same, like like I struggle with high anxiety for years and you know when anyone who's ever felt anxiety and how shitty it is is when you have that you usually run from the thing that you think is causing you the anxiety. Right, because it's easier. If I don't do it and I walk away, or I run away or I don't talk to that person, I'll feel better and you're running away from it. But one thing over years and I was bad and it causes the overthinking. And again, the biggest battle is in your own mind. I made everything a hundred times worse in my head than what it actually was. Yeah Right, paranoid, worried, this, overthinking, that, that. But then I started to get to a point where I was done, running in a sense of from my mind.
Speaker 1:So anything that caused anyone that deals with the anxiety and just like a traumatic experience is you got to stop running from it and hit it head on. If you have bad anxiety it's a prime example don't run from it. If it makes you scared and it causes you the anxiety, do it and then you're going to realize that it wasn't even that bad and it was all in your head. And it's the same with dealing with your shit, dealing with your past. Yeah, you're going to get that anxiety, you're going to get stress and anger and whatever the triggers, but once you deal with it, you're going to realize how much more clarity you have in your day-to-day that we've always talked about.
Speaker 1:And freedom. And then the freedom, the mental freedom, where all those dark clouds in your day-to-day that we've always talked about, and freedom. And then the freedom, the mental freedom, where all those dark clouds in your mind start to fade out and you start to see some blue sky finally and you start to breathe better and you start to be more present and you get to be there when your kids want to play with you and actually be there, not just physically because you're too busy fucking Struggling, dying inside, burying things. Oh, I'll be okay, I'll be okay, I'm fine, I'm fine. No, you're not, you're not fine. Oh yeah, change before, change before you have to.
Speaker 2:I think I Talked to you guys about this before too. Have we talked about manson's law of avoidance?
Speaker 3:I don't know if I brought it up on the episodes or not?
Speaker 1:I don't think so.
Speaker 2:So manson's law of avoidance essentially says that like the more you try to avoid something, the more you're allowing it to control your life.
Speaker 3:Oh yeah so say because you're thinking about it yeah, and you're allowing it to control your life.
Speaker 2:So say you have a problem with a fucking person and say, okay, eric, say your daughter's in girl guides and you have an issue with someone and you know they also have a daughter and girl guides and you really don't want to see this person. So you avoid taking your daughter to girl guides. Well, now you're not allowing yourself to do the things that you want to do because you're trying to avoid this person. So very much so in the sense of avoiding dealing or healing or working through your traumas. Those traumas are now controlling your life because you're avoiding facing them. So those will intrinsically allow you to not do certain things in your life.
Speaker 2:To not do certain things in your life when maybe that one situation that you experienced may have been traumatic, but that doesn't mean every time that you enter a similar area or whatever the fuck. It is Like a relationship, like are you really going to just not date anymore Because you had a traumatic experience In one relationship? No, but I'm definitely sure you'll take a fucking break, but you're not going to avoid relationships Because one person was really horrible to you.
Speaker 3:I mean there has been cases, though there has been cases for sure you know what I mean people, but they're just not strong enough to get out there. But I mean, I think that's because someone has them tied up in their basement. You know what I mean pouring fucking, yeah, fucking money on them or some shit. You know what I mean.
Speaker 1:Like that's understandable that theory even ties into people's day-to-day, like if you look at why most people don't do what they love to do as a job, why they don't start the business they always wanted to start, because they're scared of what other people think there's you know they they're getting fear, their fear because of other they're. Everybody is so busy living other people's thoughts right, so they're so worried about what they're gonna think when I post this.
Speaker 1:they're gonna think oh oh, I only got one like and nobody likes it and take it down. And it's the same thing. You're scared right, just in a different way than like your trauma facing. It's the same principle, though. Once you start, take that chance and you get over the fact that who fucking cares what anybody thinks they have?
Speaker 1:no relevance in your life, if you can get past that fear most people can't right and live your life. If you can get past that fear most people can't right and live your life for you. And you start making, if it and if it's social media content, whatever fucking baking, I don't know. Whatever it is that they're doing, break dancing yeah, and you start posting it. You start doing it. You're you know, no matter what you do in life, people are going to criticize it. So just do it. Why not do you?
Speaker 1:You're going to get hate on anyone I do. For the first time in my life, I'm doing so many positive things that I'm still getting hate around.
Speaker 3:That's how you know you're doing good, though, man, you want the haters, but you know what too, though, bro.
Speaker 3:I have to say, man, this platform that we're on, like everybody that's going to watch this episode on Friday when it drops we're live on TikTok and I mean TikTok man, there's so many people in this TikTok world that you know, just are themselves because they're too scared to go outside and be themselves outside. So they're themselves on this platform and they get lots of love. There is a hate, definitely like that, but then you got the other people that go out of their way to even put themselves in danger to get views. You know it's ridiculous. Now you are not yourself. You know, I don't know that. That shit just fucking drives me. This whole npc shit, that's just a whole nother ball game, oh fuck but, but.
Speaker 1:But again, with what's your trauma? You know it's your day-to-day life. Starting a business is in order to get over that fear and and those triggers and that anxiety is you have to hit it face on. You just got to do it, no matter what, every area in your life, whatever it is that scares you. That's where you're going to grow and learn and find tools to deal with these things and excel in your life and step out of that comfort zone I literally had that conversation with my therapist last week.
Speaker 2:I was contemplating taking a job, but it was only a seven month contract. In a seven months is isn't a really long time. So I just got her professional opinion. She's like do you know what I'm gonna say? I was like no, I don't. She's like listen, nothing good ever happened to anybody without taking a fucking risk. She's like you'd rather, I'd rather see you take that shot and be like fuck, it didn't work out. Then sit there and be like fuck, I wish I took that shot. I messaged the guy back. He unfortunately hired somebody else. That's okay, I feel good that I at least tried to make an effort. But from here on out it's like fuck, like I'm doing it well, you didn't fail doing it that's not failure you at least take the, took the shot.
Speaker 3:You failing is not listening to your counselor, not not going forward yep, that's right.
Speaker 1:You know what's? The sad truth is that most people are born crying, live complaining and die disappointed some people don't die disappointed.
Speaker 3:Some people don't even fucking live brother, some people don't even live. You know or have nothing.
Speaker 1:But it's all you know it's. They just don't want to face their own problems because it's so easy to do this right. And point your fingers and it's their fault. So you don't have to feel so shitty about yourself.
Speaker 3:We should make a t-shirt, but again you just the two fingers yeah wrong lines gang signs raw minds, yeah, but you know what?
Speaker 1:regardless is at the end of the day, man, it's whatever it is that you've been through. It's your responsibility, man, to heal from that. And so many people hold on to the hate. Let's put it this way you cannot heal from what you hate. Let's put it this way you cannot heal from what you hate, Meaning that if you have suffered traumatic experiences for myself, child abuse, any of these things and if I hold on to that and that hate and I did for a long time, and people that backstabbed me and all these things that happened to you, and you can't let it go and you hold on to this hate, you can never heal from it, because you never, learned to let that go.
Speaker 1:You know they say you know, forgive and forget or just forgive them and it's for you, forgiveness is for you. I'm not even saying you have to forgive them, but you have to let it go, because it happened regardless Whether you like it or not. It's happened. But you have to learn to let it go and stop holding on to that hate and we talked about this a couple weeks ago. You know you hold on to these traumas and anger and hurts. It's take all those thoughts and those hates that you have and tape it with a sticky note or tape onto a fucking cinder block and walk around for an hour holding it. See how much that weighs you down in one hour.
Speaker 1:That's, that's what you're carrying in your mind and weighing your life down because you refuse to release that weight, but instead you're carrying that weight around 24 hours a day and, like we also said, you know, especially as men who are the good men that are trying, that are, but are struggling financially, but they just want to be a good guy and and be the best of their girlfriends and the best father, and every day we wake up, we brush our teeth, we get ready for work, put our shoes on and we put on that backpack full of bricks and we carry that weight every day. And it's the same thing carrying that cinder block in that backpack of bricks. It's the same for us. So when you holding onto this weight and you just can't let it go, you're just putting on another backpack, like you know, like some of us are, and you're carrying that weight and it weighs you down to the point where your legs give out and that's where people unalive themselves Because it gets so much that they can't handle it anymore and they get tired and they can't lift their heads up anymore.
Speaker 1:Because I was there, I couldn't carry the weight anymore. It broke me and it is breaking a lot of you. But in order to release those bricks is you have to turn around face, whatever it is that's happened to you and you have to let it go. And it's not easy and all the things even tonight that I mentioned times, a hundred other things. I had to learn to let it go because it happened and there's nothing I can do about it now. I have to look forward. You know. That's why the windshield is bigger than the rivier, right?
Speaker 2:yeah, 100 well, let's face it, man, we all we all have trauma, you know. Everybody does, we all do Everybody.
Speaker 3:Everybody fucking deals with trauma, man Like I mean, like we said, it could be from an accident to physical, mental, whatever it may be. You know, we've all dealt with it some way. Could be small, could be big. It's just a matter of how we deal with it. Like you said, man, you know you got to face it. Go go see the counselor, go do this, Take the right steps to keep on going forward. At the end of the day, that's what, that's what matters is pushing forward, you know? And so what? Okay, you laid in your bed for two days. Okay, take that time laying in your bed. Okay, in your bed. Okay, then the next day get up and fucking do it again. It's okay to fail or not fail, but fall. You need to take that time. Okay, take that time, but don't let it take it over. You Find the help. You can't Just find the help. Man, reach out, find the help deal with it.
Speaker 1:That's all you can do. We are all broken, but that's how you let the light in, right, you let the light in because you're broken, so just think about that. So whatever you guys are struggling with, man is Don't let it weigh you down anymore. You gotta drop that cinder block. Release those fucking bricks out of that backpack as much as you can love yourself.
Speaker 1:And it's the most cliche and I've heard it for years you just gotta love yourself. Yeah, yeah sure, I didn't truly understand what, what or even if that was possible, until I started putting in the work and I'm like, damn, like now it's just. I never thought in a million years and I still struggle. We all do it's life A hundred percent. I still get anxiety from time to time and I still feel down and have hard days. That's, that's normal. But to go from 20 years of that to where I'm at now, I never thought it was possible. But I chose to find the tools and reach out and deal with it.
Speaker 1:And I'm not perfect, that's not what I'm saying. But if you guys even felt what I felt, thinking about killing yourself for years, every day it would cross your mind and some days I even tried to never feeling this good in my life mentally and so present and aware and self-aware where I'm able to be the best father I can be, the best boyfriend, husband, finally. But it took a lot of work and that's what you guys need to do is just put in the work and I promise you will get there. There are better days on the other end and when you're in that deep dark depression and that dark hole, just know, and it doesn't feel like it, but it's temporary, it is everything's temporary, don't make permanent decisions.
Speaker 2:Your temporary emotions everything, even the good. Have you guys ever seen that video? I think it's like rob schneider nor mcdonald, I can't remember who else is there. Oh, tom hanks is there and they're doing the that'll pass thing. No, like oh, I got a phone call today and my buddy's like, oh, this is the worst day ever. He's like, yeah, that'll pass.
Speaker 2:Then the next day oh yeah I'm the same buddy and he's like oh man, this is the best day ever. Yeah, that'll pass. This is life, man. Like there's, it's not. It's not a, there's no fucking finish line, there's no banner to run across and achieve anything. We get to experience all of it, right, we get to experience the good and we get to experience the bad, the ugly, ugly, the beautiful, the heartbreaking, the heart-fulfilling, like all of it. And we don't get a say in when and what order that shit's going to happen. It's just it's going to happen. So build yourself up with some tools like we've tried to accomplish here, like we've all done our own work in our own ways to get to where we are right and we just all share the, the passion to bring this out to the world. Because it's fucking important, man, because life doesn't have to feel as heavy as it does sometimes and and when it does, we want you to understand that it's okay.
Speaker 2:Like dealing with my dad in the hospital. Man, like this has been a fucking long, long two months, and yesterday was heavy sitting at my son's birthday party and my brother blowing my phone up. Man, he says he doesn't want to die on on your son's birthday. That sucks to hear, but what do I do? The only thing I know is to do the next best thing, or the next right thing that I think is right, that's show up for my father. There's a better chance that my son's going to have more birthdays than my father in this present moment. So where should I be with my father, you know, and hopefully one day my son will show up for me when I need him and he can leave his son at a fucking Nerf gun battle. But by the time he's my age he'll probably be using full-blown lasers.
Speaker 2:For christ sakes, no kidding yeah, take us home, brother yeah, so yeah, if you guys are struggling, listen, this is why we're here. We love this shit. We love talking about this shit. Hell, we talk to each other during the week when we're not fucking busy about this shit. Yeah, we do. We don't even need to do this all the time for you guys. We do it for ourselves too, right? So if you are struggling, don't hesitate to reach out to us.
Speaker 2:We all have TikTok. We have a group TikTok, like a podcast TikTok, and we all have our own rawmindseric, rawmindsanthony, rawmindsjoey. Hit us up. We're on all social media Facebook, instagram, tiktok. And if you're struggling and you want to have a conversation or you want to come on the show because we're getting to that point where we start needing to have some guests on the show and we'd fucking love to have you If you're struggling with something or if you've overcome something and you want to come on and share your story, fuck yeah, hit us up at rawmindspodcasts, at gmailcom, and don't ever forget to leave a review and share wherever you can. So I'm going to leave you with this tonight. Listen, doing the work that we've done hasn't made my life any better. It's just made me better at living it, and that's what it's all about, because I don't get a say in how I live it, I just get to live it.
Speaker 1:Love you guys well said peace bye. Well said, peace Bye.
