Raw Minds
Welcome to Raw Minds, the podcast where we explore the challenges and triumphs of men's mental health, single fatherhood, and daily life experiences. In each episode, we dive deep into the issues that go on in men's minds, sharing personal stories and insights that can help you better understand yourself and the world around you. Whether you're a single dad, dealing with mental health challenges, or simply looking for inspiration and guidance, this podcast is for you. So, sit back, relax, and join us on this journey of self-discovery and growth.
Raw Minds
Raw Minds Ep. 36 - Domestic Violence: Chained to the Lifestyle
In a profoundly moving and transformative episode of Raw Minds, hosts Erick and Joey tackle one of the most urgent and painful topics of our time: domestic violence. Episode 36, titled "Domestic Violence: Chained to the Lifestyle," offers a raw and unflinching exploration of abuse from a woman's perspective with our incredibly brave and inspiring guest, Rudi.
Rudi's story is not only a testament to her resilience but also a powerful beacon of hope and courage. By sharing her harrowing journey, she exposes the deep emotional and psychological scars inflicted by an abusive partner. Her willingness to speak out, despite the pain and fear, exemplifies an extraordinary strength that we can all draw inspiration from. Rudi's voice resonates with both vulnerability and fortitude, urging us to confront the stark reality of domestic violence and its devastating impact.
This episode serves as a critical reminder that domestic violence is a pervasive issue that transcends gender. While Rudi's experience sheds light on the plight of many women, we also acknowledge that men can be victims of abuse. Erick and Joey emphasize the importance of breaking the silence, reaching out for help, and supporting one another in escaping toxic environments. It is a collective call to action to reject violence and embrace love, understanding, and compassion.
"Domestic Violence: Chained to the Lifestyle" is more than just an episode; it's a powerful movement towards healing and change. Tune in to Raw Minds Episode 36 for an intense and emotional conversation that challenges us all to stand against domestic abuse, support survivors, and foster a culture of respect and empathy.
yeah, yeah, yeah. Welcome back to the show where we shatter the silence on men's mental health. We are unedited, unfiltered and, as always, we are going raw.
Speaker 1:My name is joey and I'm eric and we're your hosts and welcome to raw minds.
Speaker 3:There it is, man welcome, welcome welcome we got something different this time oh, we, we doing it big, eric, like we do every week, buddy, yeah, every week we doing something different, we doing it big ain't only only going to get bigger. Hell, yeah, yeah, buddy. So this is, yeah, this is quite a. It's going to be an interesting night.
Speaker 1:Yeah, definitely we're taking a different angle on things and I'm excited. Different perspective, that's it, yeah perspective yeah, that's it.
Speaker 3:Yeah, perspective yeah, that's it.
Speaker 1:Perspective. Well, I don't know, man, I think we should just. You know how we bullshit it here at the start Usually.
Speaker 3:I think we should just jump right into it, get her done. Are we skipping all the small talk today?
Speaker 1:Fuck the small talk today, let's just do it. No small talk, fuck it, let's just give her this one's interesting man. I'm actually really excited to do this yeah, yeah, buddy.
Speaker 3:well, uh, just for the new people tuning in, we are the podcast that really dives deep into men's mental health especially. You know we just had Men's Mental Health Awareness Month last month, but it's not talked about enough. Things aren't done enough and that's why we do what we do and we really try to bring the awareness weekly and not just in one month. So thank you guys all. If you are just tuning in and for anybody else, that's our regulars.
Speaker 1:we love you and let's get right into it there, big guy, all right. Well, our guest here is Rudy. She's a female Woo Different. Our guest here is Rudy. She's a female Woo Different. She's going to explain, kind of, what she kind of went through. So we get a look at the other side and like what you know, fucking shit happens when you don't fucking take care of your shit and the repercussions of you know who it hurts and you know the waves that it fucking makes and it can keep on going on and it'll go off to, you know, maybe even the child or it grows. You know what I mean.
Speaker 1:Kids can inherit that shit right.
Speaker 3:Well, generational trauma, right, 100%, and anything that we go through is, if we don't deal with it, our kids will deal with it. Yeah, you will pass that down to your children if you do not deal with your shit. Yeah, and it is not fair. And that's when they always say to break generational curses and break that generational trauma so you can be the best version of yourself for your children and your friends and your family. Yeah, but so many, so many of us and you know we've done it for years is especially the men, is we bury it and just let it build up, and that's where the anger comes out, the you know, the depression, the loneliness, the sadness, all that because you're not choosing to turn around and face the demons that chase you.
Speaker 3:Yeah, you need a big fucking bolt cutters.
Speaker 1:That's what you need.
Speaker 3:Cut that shit but and that that's it right. Yeah, and when you're able to turn around and and it's extremely difficult to look at yourself in the mirror and and take accountability and and talk to somebody about the things that are, whether it's your fault or not is probably one of the hardest things you'll ever do. Yeah, but again, it's choose your heart. Do you pick that road and short term to try to get over the triggers and the damages that's caused you from your childhood or you know, like tonight when we're talking about abusive relationships, right? Or do you ignore it and bury it and now you're passing on all that shame and stress and depression down to your children.
Speaker 1:So, yeah, man, it's's fucked. Yeah, do that shit right. So you got to take care of that shit but without further ado, let's please introduce our guests.
Speaker 3:Miss rudy, thank you for being on our show thank you guys for having me.
Speaker 2:This is really exciting.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it is. We're excited to have you here. I just want to say you know we've talked before and you want to start a podcast, so I just want to put it out there. She's in the works of maybe starting a podcast here, so we support you. So I just want to put that out there and you know we respect that and your voice of what you want to put out there there, and you know we respect that and what your your your voice of what you want to put out there. So that's awesome.
Speaker 2:Thank you, guys um, okay, so a little bit about myself, as I'm a single mom. Um, I have been in multiple domestic violence relationships and, uh, it started a lot when I was younger. I grew up in a lot of trauma. Um, I grew up with an alcoholic single mom who did not break generational trauma, I guess to say. It was a lot of parties, a lot of alcohol, and so from a very young age I was introduced to all that stuff and thought it was normal.
Speaker 2:She also was the abuser to my dad growing up, so I always felt like chaos was normal and abuse screaming, yelling, crying all of that was normal in a house. Drugs and alcohol around children was normal. She allowed a lot of things to go on in the house, which I think is what really made my brain not realize how wrong it was. Going forward, my first, I started in a bad thing when I was 14. I had a 27-year-old drug dealing pimp start sleeping with me, getting me to sell drugs with him, and that was short lived. And then I got introduced to my next boyfriend, which I guess is what really started the domestic violence. Sorry, just trying to think of how to put this.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it's okay.
Speaker 2:Take your time. I remember the first time he ever got physical with me. I don't remember why. I remember we were just lying down in bed and he started choking me and he choked me until I passed out and then I woke up and it was like the next day I don't know what time it was, because from what I remember it was the middle of the night. The things progressively got worse with him in my life. By the time I was 15, he would be beating me so badly upstairs in the room and he was only 16. So I'm 14 and he's 16. His mom would be downstairs using heroin on the nod. So there is no safety, no safe place, no one to save me. Pretty much. And the kicker is like my mom, susan. She knew, she knew what was going on and she let this not let, but she didn't do anything to stop it.
Speaker 2:She actually started buying drugs from him instead of protecting me from him well he would um, I'd run out of the bedroom and I there was a townhouse, so it had wraparound stairs, and so I'd run out of the bedroom and I'd run down, and then I'd make it to the second one, but he could reach over and he would grab me by my hair and drag me back up to the room, kicking and screaming um I was.
Speaker 1:Can I ask you something?
Speaker 2:yeah, so um, do you know if his father would ever beat his, his mom, his dad was in jail most of his life and his dad died in jail, so his dad wasn't around very much, but his mom it still would have been similar relationships he would have seen. His mom was a heavy heroin user.
Speaker 2:She was actually friends with Robert Pickton, oddly enough and she would hang out with him, so I have no rhyme or reason to why he started doing what he was doing. I know that eventually, once I left, he actually started beating the crap out of his mom as well. He's one of those people like the look in his eyes is like Satan, like black. He had blue eyes, but when you look at him you see black.
Speaker 1:Definitely that tells me he's missing some kind of love in his life. Life, you know, if there's something that hurt him very, very like traumatic that you know there's definitely there's no excuse for what no, definitely but that stems from his childhood for sure.
Speaker 3:His father's in jail dies in jail. His mom's a heroin addict. Like the kid had no love, like you said, in his life.
Speaker 2:No, but see no role model and they're just the kid held on to some really bad the problem with that, though, as, like a young girl who didn't have any love from her family, you literally got the idea in your head if you love them enough, they'll stop doing it, and so you keep giving them more and more and more, and it's never enough, and you and the beatings and the aggressiveness just keep coming, and it doesn't matter how much you love them, it never stops.
Speaker 1:What you're doing is you're enabling, really that's exactly it, and I'm also.
Speaker 2:Every time that you let something go and I've learned this over the 20 some odd years of abuse um, as soon as it happens that first time and you go back, you're telling them that you're gonna keep coming back. It's never, ever gonna get better once it's done, once it keeps coming because they think they can get away with it well, that's just like in any relationship, right? Yeah, not just abuse of anything.
Speaker 3:Yeah, exactly well, not just just abuse, but that goes with cheating well, cheating.
Speaker 2:Cheating is a form of abuse. It's mental abuse, it's mental torture, it's it's for. For me personally, because I've had it all happen, it's all in the same, in the same thing category well, it even goes with you and parenting as your, as your children.
Speaker 3:Because you see some kids that just act out and I love kids, don't get me wrong, I got two, and some of them it's just when they act out. The parents don't really do anything about it and it rolls off and that's why they keep doing. It is because you let it go the first time.
Speaker 2:Well, that's now that goes that's how, because narcissism it wasn't even a thing a long time ago. It's's only a big thing now. It's a pandemic. They consider it a pandemic now, but narcissism is actually created in the brain and it's from never being held accountable, always, always getting away with things. So you're, you're told at a young age, you can do anything you want and there's no repercussions for your actions. And that's that's how, how it starts.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, well, it's always compares to an empath.
Speaker 2:An empath is actually born an empath and they actually have extra brain cells on a part of the brain. I don't know the scientific terms, but I've done a lot of reading about it. So a narcissism and an empath are actually complete off, like created differently, and somehow the narcissism narcissist is always drawn to the empath yeah, that's weird how it is like.
Speaker 1:Well, it's yin and yang right. Everything in this world is yin and yang you need. With death there's life, and with life, there's death right. With love, there's loss, and with loss, there's love right. It's crazy how it is Okay, so go ahead, Joey.
Speaker 3:No, no, I was just going to yeah, I was just going to say how it is weird how narcissists and empaths always get together. Well, because? Because me Sorry go, no, go ahead.
Speaker 2:I was just saying. It's because they can pull An empath, has so much light in them, and that's what a narcissist is drawn to and they want to darken your light. They can't handle those happy, bubbly people, those go-getters, because inside of them they're so dark. So they find them and they do everything in their power to dim their light, they take it from them. That's why they call it a supply is because they supply brightness into the narcissist's life and they pull it out of them. Like the person I became after my last relationship um, which was an 11 year narcissistic abuse one um, I was beyond dark, like I, I, he, I, everything bubbly, my personality, everything who I was, was taken from me and it was. It's been really hard to get back and that's my biggest journey right now how?
Speaker 1:how did you like? How did you feel when you're in that situation, if you don't mind.
Speaker 2:I felt like it was my fault. I felt like I deserved it. I'm. It's the gaslighting right and I felt like if I just did more for him, if I honestly, if I sold more drugs for him, if I made him more money, he would stop hurting me, he would love me, or um, when he has a kid of his own, why would he ever want to treat a woman like that? When he has a little girl, that's going to change everything. So I felt like everything was my fault and I wasn't doing enough and that's why it was happening to me so like the manipulation would say really was like trying to you know, yeah, make you think that like gaslighting manipulating and gaslighting my boy and that relation, that relationship was 11 years, you said um well, we were together for eight.
Speaker 2:I left after eight, but there is about two and a half years of back and forth and it was just straight abuse. I've actually only been fully out of it for just over a year now Because he, even though he was with somebody else, he was coming to me and telling me it's us, I'll go to counseling, I'll do everything to change. So like literally living a double life, like in detail it's shit you would only see in a fucking movie. Man like he would be with her in the day on valentine's day and then came to my house at night on valentine's day and lied in a bed with me and our kids sharing a bed with us, telling me that it's me and our daughter. This is what he wants.
Speaker 1:Like insane shit so it's almost like monkey branching, in a sense, and trying to figure out which one works the best for him and yeah and or he's just too afraid to be a man, and, and actually, or he's a full-blown narcissist and just wanted two supplies yeah. Yeah, it could be too.
Speaker 3:It's pretty sad before you got yeah, before you got into that long relationship that you just finished now. You mentioned earlier about the relationship when you were not the pimp guy but the one right after when it really started.
Speaker 2:That one was 10 years.
Speaker 3:So did you go from that one to this one, or was there? Did you have relationships in the middle before this long one?
Speaker 2:No, I was probably single for two or three months. So my ex from high school, like he, did go to jail for, I think, three or four years for kidnapping and beating a woman. And I still chose to go back to him when he got out of jail and sell his drugs for him and all that crazy, crazy stuff. The beatings were getting so bad it was unbearable. There was one time, um, there, there's one time that, uh, he uh was punching me in my face and I would get knocked unconscious. And then when I come to, he'd knock me unconscious again and he was on top of me and, um, I like slid between his legs somehow, I can't even tell you how.
Speaker 2:And we were in like Surrey and I got out of the door and I went to a run and he slammed the door in my arm and I ripped it out and I was running through Surrey in my fucking socks, I had no shoes on and I was running and running and I ran to a Tim Hortons to call my friend, to have a place to go and, oddly enough, my ex was actually even though he's not now like if I ever saw him again. Like he doesn't scare me, but back then a lot of people were scared of him and there was actually people that didn't even want anything to do with me in this moment. No one was going to let me stay there or get there, because nobody wanted to deal with how he would react if they found out where I was. So after that, it was about a month or two later, he left to go and work and you know his work for his phone and I packed up one bag.
Speaker 2:I left the safe keys. I didn't even take a 2d in my pocket. Now this is where you know this isn't my greatest part of my life, but I did have it. There was a guy around who had a little bit of money and offered to fly me out of province. A little bit of money and offered to fly me out of province. So I packed a suitcase, I left everything behind my life and I flew to Ontario From there. It wasn't what it was. Within two weeks I was on a bus ride back to BC because he didn't have the money.
Speaker 1:What do you mean? Ontario? I mean I can't understand the Bahamas or something.
Speaker 2:My dad's in Ontario. So I thought this guy told me he had a bunch of money so we I was gonna move out there, he was gonna live out there and we weren't even together. It was just somebody I was looking to be saved and it was somebody that told me that they could save me. I didn't understand that. I had to save myself.
Speaker 1:Yeah I was. You're just reaching regions for someone yeah to pull you out of the water yeah, it's like pull you out of that exactly.
Speaker 2:And so, um, I got on a bus in. What was it? It was february and I ended up getting stranded in regina and slept in a bus depot for two or three days I can't even remember how many days because the buses couldn't be on the highways. Um, I remember messaging my best friend, who's now passed away, ryan. I messaged him and I was like I need work. The only thing I knew how to do was sell drugs. And so he said I have someone that you can work for. And that is how I met my recent ex. So it was literally back to back, and my ex, like my most recent ex. It was very, very verbal at first. Within three months, he was calling me a stupid piece of shit, I'm a loser. Still stayed with him for 10 years after that. Didn't you see those big?
Speaker 1:red flags.
Speaker 2:Thought it was at a carnival.
Speaker 2:Well for me for me in my head I'm like, well, at least he's not beating me, at least he's not beating me. And you know it started with I don't want my girlfriend to sell drugs, you don't have to do that anymore. But that's not what it was. I ended up fully doing all the work, doing everything, not getting paid for it, which was most of my life in that was never getting paid for it, because I was always working for a guy that was taking from me, which, again, that lifestyle is not where I am at or nor will I ever go back. So it is what it is and it was what it was.
Speaker 2:but um, yeah within three months and all it was what it was. But yeah, within three months and all it was. The first time he ever yelled at me was I forgot my online banking password and he just lost it. You're a fucking retard. How could I ever marry a kid like you? And the fucked up thing, too, is do you know how many times in that 10 years I watched him forget a password? But do you think I could ever once mention what he said to me or say anything of those lines? No, I had to help him figure out what the fucking password was or whatever, but I can never even bring it up. We never talked about it again. There's so many things that have happened of abuse, and I'm just never allowed to talk about it. If I talk about it, it's my fault or I'm crazy, or what I remember happening never happened. And that's as a victim where you really go crazy, because you're like no, like you did this, and they're like, no, you didn't.
Speaker 2:You're crazy, you're crazy yeah, that's gaslighting definitely oh, yeah, yeah yeah there is this one, and then you start second guessing yourself right and like yeah, is he right you know like I've been there on this part yeah, what you're talking about.
Speaker 1:I've experienced on my side the same thing, you know, so it does it works.
Speaker 2:It definitely works both ways you know, I've always known that, like men, there are like the same thing for men. It's just not spoken about as much. That's why I found even though, yes, it is celebrities and I'm sure Johnny Depp lied a little bit too but that Amber Heard and Johnny Depp thing for me I thought, was a revolution for men and abuse and I loved it, and not not for anything except for the fact that I'm against domestic violence, whether it's a man against a woman or women against a man. Either way, I'm against domestic violence. See something, say something.
Speaker 2:I if and I learned because I've, I do I have had friends that were abusive towards their partners. And you know, we all grow up with the mentality of not your business, mind your business, but you're still going to cheers a beer with that guy. And through all my stuff I learned that and I'm I'm positive about this I will not be friends with somebody, I will not cheers well, I mean, I don't drink anymore but I will not cheers a drink with somebody. Um, if I know that they're abusive towards their partner, it's not gonna happen. Um, because you're teaching them that they're still a good person, they're still a bro, like, that's not person, that's not a bro. That's not somebody that I want to stand behind me in life at all.
Speaker 1:That's enabling right there.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I agree.
Speaker 1:You're enabling them right.
Speaker 3:You know, I used to always wonder and I think a lot of men do too when you look at some women, because I know girls that I grew up with and friends still still and they always go back to the guy that hits them, abuses them, talks to them the way like you said that they do, and I never understood it, because then you'd have guys that would come along, treat them like gold, but they would never go with that guy and they toss him to the side to go back to the ex that smacked him out back and I never could figure it out and I'm like, why are these women so fucking stupid?
Speaker 3:No offense, you're going back to the ex that smacked them out back and I never could figure it out and I'm like, why are these women so fucking stupid? No offense, you're going back to this, but you know, I read this book two years ago and it was called what Happened to you and it talked a lot about these women that go back to and stay in these abusive relationships. Not only is it because you know that relationship has killed your self-worth and your self-esteem, but when you go to the next one and there is someone that comes around that is different and doesn't talk to you like that and respects you and loves you. It makes them very uncomfortable and they go back to that. Not because they want to, because every girl on the planet, I just want a nice guy and I just want a guy that will treat me right and be loyal. Every single one will say it, but majority will not take it because they are so used to what you've had to deal with and the relationships that you grew up in.
Speaker 2:Well, that's exactly.
Speaker 3:And it was comfortable for you. Well, Not because you wanted it, because you obviously didn't like getting punched. Do you any girl like getting punched in the face?
Speaker 1:No, I don't think anybody like that.
Speaker 3:Nobody does, but you stay in it because you're comfortable.
Speaker 2:For me. I never knew anything better. Like I said, susan abuse. I remember when I was a kid Susan was hammered. I'm sorry that's my mom. I just referred to her as Susan. She's not my mom. I gave her 30 years to earn that right and she's not so she was wasted fighting with my dad and now multiple times I've watched her hit my dad, but this one time and Susan's only like 5'3".
Speaker 2:The fact she could pick up a 1990 TV like a 52 inch TV with the big guys picked it up and threw it at him and the thing was is it had my father's day plant that I made my dad I was a daddy's girl growing up father's day plant that I made my dad and it shattered on the ground. And I remember, and I remember this feeling inside my body, how I felt in that exact moment and scream, crying because it was my plant, like I was tearing up now and I was literally like grade three and it was such a prominent big event in my life. So for me, all relationships were abusive, so it wouldn't matter why I leave this one. The next one's going to be abusive anyway.
Speaker 2:So what's the point and that was a big part of my mentality is this is just what they are. So what's the point? Point on leaving it's not like there's anything better and that was another thing. This is all I deserve there, especially because I was selling drugs and I do have morals and I do have guilt. It's like, well, this is what I deserve, this is all I'm going to get because of who I am why, but why why?
Speaker 2:why did I feel that way? Because I was told that forever okay, so you were told it.
Speaker 1:So if someone tells you to jump off a bridge, you're gonna go jump off a bridge you know what, a couple years ago, would have been a possibility.
Speaker 2:I'm a lot different now and I see things differently now and you know it. Just, it stemmed from. It stemmed from never really feeling loved by anybody in my family or anything. Um, you know, I, the person that loved me the most was my brother and, uh, he went through his own hardships and uh, he ended up leaving and we like out of province and, um, he used to tell me he would save me from Susan one day and he never did. And for me, me and my brother are close now, but for me, for a while I had abandonment issues, even from him, because, um, my savior never ended up saving me. And then he was gone out of province and I was left with this guy that beats the crap out of me, um, a drunk loser mom, and uh, everybody's fucked up thing is about the high school one yeah not just that, though, too.
Speaker 1:It's like a promise, so you know it's breaking that, especially someone that you care about. Right, so it that also affects you. So now it's trust issues as well as abandonment issues, right oh yeah, I got. I got all the issues like the lesson don't worry, my, my list is huge, like the naughty list for santa. Yeah, no, I feel you, I feel I've learned to.
Speaker 2:I've learned to forgive, even though I've learned to forgive that situation with my brother because I, like I said, he grew up in the same house. He's got the same trauma, um, and so how is he supposed to save me? I'm only three years younger. How is he supposed to save me and take care of me when he was only a kid himself?
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, and he's probably like a man, probably trying to hold it in as much as he can, right, oh yeah.
Speaker 2:To this day he still doesn't talk very much about it. He's the only one of the siblings that actually talks to Susan, me and my sister both. I haven't spoken to her since just after my daughter was born. I have zero contacts. I even changed my phone number on her daughter was born. I have zero contacts.
Speaker 2:um, I even changed my phone number on her and my sister the same thing, last thing, I last thing I ever got. She would leave me voicemails being like drunk wasted and she'd be like the reason why I was a piece of shit, mom, is because I had a piece of shit like you to raise yeah, I don't listen to that shit.
Speaker 1:I don't talk to my dad. Uh, four years now I think it is on my birthday I told him to go fuck himself, so it's one of the most it's one of the most freeing things I ever did.
Speaker 2:It's like once I, once I did that and once I set up boundaries and stood up for myself, with that, it started snowballing, and that's when I started my and I say this my ex. The worst thing he ever did was help convince me to kick susan out of my life, because then what happened? I saw how much he was like Susan.
Speaker 1:So what you got to do actually is you know all this fucking horrible shit that you've gone through. What you need to do is look at it a different way. You got to look at it as lessons. You know you needed to go through these things, these battles, to make you this strong person which you are right now.
Speaker 1:And it sucks that you have to, but I mean, look you're, I'm watching your snaps. You're killing it right. You're a great mom, you're putting your daughter first. Your, your sobriety is on on track, you know. So all of these were, all of those were just little lessons to show you what path you need to be on, and it's all about self-love, and that's what you're doing right now that's what I'm learning, yeah. Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1:Well, at the end of the day, no one's going to save you. But you know that's the lesson I had to learn yeah Well I wouldn't, I do that.
Speaker 2:I wouldn't be the mom I am today if I didn't have Susan, and the reality is is even didn't have susan. I wouldn't have seen the future if I kept going down that path. Where would my daughter be? My daughter would be in the exact same boat. I was doing the exact same shit. My daughter would think that alcohol and drugs are normal. So that what's she going to be doing when she's a teenager? Crap, yeah, crack and coke are like. Well, I mean not cry, never. Anyways, coke, coke is nothing. So if someone puts a line out in front of her as a teenager, it's not going to be a big deal. So what's going to happen?
Speaker 1:she's going to start doing it yeah, well, and that, and that's what I said. That's, it's a lesson. So it's almost like you should thank her because she guided you In your own sense. You know what I mean. Like you don't have to go there, ring her, give her a big hug and kiss and say thank you. You know what I mean.
Speaker 1:No, but I mean you have to let that go inside of you in order to move forward as well. You know and forgive all these people that did these things to you, because you're holding on all this weight. I can see your shoulders they're dropped I mean, I mean they're, I mean you know, like you're doing this, you know what I mean and you're slowly doing this.
Speaker 2:I have I have my sobriety to thank for that. Now I'm still fresh into my sobriety. I'm not going to sit here and say I'm a bunch of sober. I'm sober. I started my sober curious, I guess, is what they called it in january and I've taken, I think, four times since then and every time I fucking hate it, like now. I know I'm done, done Like I. I want nothing to do with it.
Speaker 2:But since getting sober my brain has been able to think clearer and I have been able to do things and be grateful for what I've gone through, because I wouldn't be the mom I am today and for the few close friends that I have. I wouldn't be the friend I am today if it wasn't for the things I've gone through. And I know when my daughter's a teenager, I know the signs to look for. You know, if her boyfriend at 1415 doesn't want to sit at my fucking table and eat dinner with me, red flag. If that boy doesn't want to know me, know my family, if that family doesn't want to get to know me, red flag. So those are things that I wouldn me red flag. So those are things that, um, I wouldn't know. And those are things that other parents won't know because they don't know the signs and they've never seen themselves exactly.
Speaker 1:Well, joey, what was that thing that you say? Um, oh god, it was on the tip of my tongue here. Um, never mind. Never mind, it'll come later the thing that I say. I forget about?
Speaker 3:um, I don't even know now what's it like, the life that you're looking for? Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's it. That's that one.
Speaker 3:The magic that you are looking for is in the work that you are avoiding that's pretty cool, that's pretty bang on, yeah right it's true, though because everybody wants this life, everybody wants to make changes, but nobody does when your life will end up if you put in that work and make those changes. You are a prime example of that. You just lived 20 years of abuse and drugs and et cetera, and a terrible childhood, and now you you've come to the conclusion that you're done with that life. You're trying to make the changes. You're you're putting your daughter first. You're trying to be the best mom that you can. Now you're you're staying sober for you, and it has to be for you first in order for you to be the best version of yourself and the best parent for your daughter honestly, it started it started with just for her.
Speaker 2:But the more I spent without alcohol in my brain, the more it was for me. Because you know that first few days, yeah, we all feel great. But once you hit that like two, three week mark of no alcohol, it's like the world is bright again. It's the I'd say the two week marker for me is where everything changes and it's like even the smell of alcohol grosses me out. Now I'm just and I've been around people drunk and I just like look around. I went to Mexico. I went to Mexico for a friend's wedding and everybody drank. Every day. There's 26 people. I only know three of them, so it was all complete strangers and, um, I watched all the couples get drunk and get in a fight. I watched everyone fight and I'm back there just sober and single.
Speaker 1:I'm like exactly go into my room at like 11 o'clock at night and just be like, and then wake up in the morning and I go to the gym well, I do have to say though um, I know you said you your daughter first, but in reality you got to put yourself first, because if you don't put yourself first, you're not going to be able to take care of your daughter, right? Well, we've used this method before about the airplanes. So when the oxygen masks come down, they tell you you put it on yourself first before you put it on your kid, because if you put it on your kid and there's some shit in the air and then you pass out, either your kid's going to be able to put it on, you, probably don't exactly.
Speaker 3:So you got to take care of that even though I can imagine how hard that would be as a parent on an airplane to actually be able to do that to yourself first yeah, well it's, but that's, that is facts of life and and I understand it because I'm a parent and we all understand it and if you ask anyone on the street who comes first, you or your children, it's children every time yeah but in reality, when it comes to your mental health and how you take care of yourself, you have to come first and it is not a bad thing because if you don't, you start to deteriorate, you start to break inside.
Speaker 3:Your children feel it, you know, and a part of that is because people choose not to deal with their past traumas and whatever it is that they've had to deal with, and they bury it, thinking that I'm doing this for the children. They can't see me. I can't let them see me like this. I just got to keep pushing, but in the whole the, the entire time is you're breaking piece by piece and falling apart, but your kids feel that energy.
Speaker 3:Your kids see that my daughter, your kid will deal with that, because you chose not to and it's not like we're saying fuck the kids, walk them outside.
Speaker 1:You know what I mean. It's not like we're saying that not, not at all but how can?
Speaker 3:and you know, and this goes when, in relationship, they always say well, you can't love someone unless you love yourself first. It's so same cliche to say, but it's the same for being a parent, being a wife and a husband, being a friend, being a great boss is you can't possibly be a good parent. Just because you're there every day doesn't make you a good parent no you're, you're there but you're not present.
Speaker 3:So what you're, what we're trying to shoot for, is the clarity and to get rid of that poison in your mind. And when you start to do that, then you become more present. Then, when you are with your children and your spouse and your family, you're family. You're actually there. You're focusing on that day, because this is all we have, is today, not tomorrow. Yesterday's gone, it's today. We get so caught up and we're struggling.
Speaker 3:And when you spend years of just sitting on all this bad that's happened to you, you're not able to be present. You're on autopilot, right, and that's the biggest thing is trying to clear that so you can be present and be the best version of yourself, to be the best parent.
Speaker 2:Well, that's exactly like what my 2023 was is, even though I was there, even though I was there, even though I was there, I wasn't there. Mentally, I wasn't like who she was and it was different. So, since I started becoming more present, her smile started coming back who she was like. She shines again and I missed out on that. I forgot what I forgot what she was like for a year. I forgot Sorry, condo and two dogs, everyone walking all the way, the look in her face, the sparkle in her eyes. It was gone because mine was gone. She fed off my energy. She fed off of what I was doing. It wasn't, it wasn't her and I wasn't me and I once, I and again. This is only short lived. I can't wait to see what next year brings us on this path, because those everything that's come back again. She feeds off my energy and who I am, and now that I'm present and I'm there, she's there again.
Speaker 1:Yeah, you guys have got an amazing bond.
Speaker 2:Yeah, we do yeah.
Speaker 1:I love it, little dance parties yeah, we love our dance parties.
Speaker 2:Probably shouldn't do it as much driving as we do, but we do our car concert uh go ahead.
Speaker 3:You said you're like you. Obviously, right now, your sobriety. Your sobriety is a huge thing and that's amazing when you realize certain things in your life that wasn't working. You're making the change. Now, is there anything else that you're doing that maybe people that are listening that was in your situation and getting out of that on other things that maybe you did or doing that would really help them.
Speaker 2:The gym at least this is what helped me. The gym, the gym, gives you that dopamine and serotonin. Now, before I got really bad into drinking and drugs, I was a gym junkie and I was really fit and I was all about it and I lost that. Obviously you're hung over every day. You're not going to the gym. So I started back in the gym and at first I literally had to go seven days a week. If I didn't go seven days a week I would want to drink.
Speaker 2:There was one time I didn't go to the gym and I ended up going to the grocery store. I didn't have my daughter and of course every freaking grocery store parking lot has a liquor store, pretty much. And I was actually in the car and I was bawling my eyes out because I could see the liquor store that was taunting me and the grocery store and I knew that if I got out of my vehicle I would end up at the liquor store and I actually pulled out of the. I didn't even go into the grocery store and I went home. And I'm not saying that if it was because I didn't go to the gym. Coincidentally in that month it was like one of the only days I didn't go to the gym, so I feel like that dopamine serotonin fix. Whatever I was looking for to help me. I didn't have that day and it made me feel like drinking would make me feel better that's fair.
Speaker 3:I can understand that and you know the gym is yeah, the gym especially, is the most underrated antidepressant in the world.
Speaker 2:I freaking agree with you so much like the gym is. I mean, besides my daughter, the gym is my life, the gym and and her is all all that I need in a day right now.
Speaker 3:That's all I want and you know what, for anyone listening, like going to the and it doesn't, even if you're not a gym person, that's fine hikes, walks, yoga, all kinds of exercise, something active, because the way that you feel even after one workout is unreal. And you know, even just walking, walking for 40 minutes, is the equivalent of one depression pill, just walking, yeah, and going to the gym and doing all these things is. And that's where it also especially, you know, for people that has come out of abusive relationships. Now, you lived years in them.
Speaker 3:You know, like where was your self-esteem? You didn't have any. Where was your self-worth? It was gone, right. So what you have to do is is to try rebuild that Now that you have seen the light. In a sense, you've walked away from what wasn't serving you and making your life worse and making you feel worse, as now finding those outlets to bring up your self-worth and your self-esteem back. And by doing that, that also creates confidence in yourself and anyone listening in terms of setting boundaries, like you mentioned earlier with your mother. You know, years ago you probably you didn't do that because you just, and a lot of us, let things slide and let the red flags and you see the bright and brightest red flags ever and you just oh, but they're, they did this really nice my mom kind of liked them, and then you justify it but,
Speaker 3:when you rebuild your self-esteem and your self-worth, that shit does not slide ever. And because you're rebuilding your confidence, you're just like now you're more self-aware, you have clarity in your mind and you're looking at this and you're like, nope, not. You're just like now. You're more self-aware, you have clarity in your mind and you're looking at this and you're like, nope, not even going there. And you set that boundary. Whether the reaction you get or not, it doesn't matter, because you're rebuilding your confidence in the gym and the fitness is massive and honestly, who gives a fuck about what anybody says?
Speaker 2:This is your life.
Speaker 1:You know what I mean.
Speaker 2:Live it the way you want it, right? Yeah, as long as you're in your own fucking lane, don't fuck with other people's lives. Stay in your own lane and just fucking do what you want, man.
Speaker 3:Exactly, but you know that the reason why people can, 90% of the reason why people, businesses, fail or they don't start what they've always wanted to start, is because of other people's opinions, 100 straight straight up. Because you can make a product, you post it like most people, two people on the internet, like that's fucking stupid that's dumb and then now they're like, oh well, maybe it is done.
Speaker 3:And then they don't do it because they feel shitty about themselves, thinking that user 687 said that this is dumb and I shouldn't do it. And then they don't do it because they're so worried about all these other people.
Speaker 2:But well, in reality, that's how b-backs in my transition of life is. Um, nervous about what people are gonna because, like the amount like I've I sold drugs for 20 years uh, like, I only just got my first job recently out of it, I haven't even started yet. But that's how fresh I am in my new life, to be honest. And the podcast thing that I want to do and me helping with domestic violence, something that has hindered me until the confidence that I've been getting going to the gym and now I'm able to do stuff like this.
Speaker 2:But it was because of what I think, what other people say, or people saying. I've had people tell me that I contradict myself, because even while I was still doing it, I'm like I don't like this stuff, I don't want to be a part of it, blah, blah, blah. But the reality is is like that is how I felt, but I was also supporting a kid and like I was lost, like I said that's all I've ever done for 20 years and I didn't know anything else. So, uh, what? I agree, don't listen to other people, but when you have such a low confidence in yourself, uh, what other people say about you actually does it doesn't matter, but in your brain it matters. Yeah, um and 100 100.
Speaker 3:It affects you huge. Yeah, because you, you, you don't believe in yourself, you don't believe on what you're putting out there. So when someone says what you're thinking, you believe them. And now you're just like maybe you're right, it is stupid, or maybe I am fat or whatever it is, but that's when you have to rebuild that confidence, your self-worth, right Psychologically.
Speaker 3:So that way, when people do say it like I used to be like that too, where you care, because I've always been trying to make products and do this growing up and side hustles like legit, and then people would say, oh, that's dumb. Maybe it is dumb, then I don't do it. But then when you get to a point of like you know what I look at it, I laugh for a second and then I just go back to what I'm doing because it has no relevance in your life. And the thing is is most people live in desperate and depression is because they're always living for other people and not themselves you might as well let them drive the car and you can sit in the fucking back seat and go wherever they want.
Speaker 1:You know, like I say, you know, and it's I and I just posted a video actually today.
Speaker 3:I posted her last night is letting people be wrong about you or judging you while you keep your peace and your focus is the most underrated power move you can ever make 100 100 and like I say, man, who gives a fuck what these people say?
Speaker 1:they're not coming to your birthday party, right? You're like like who cares, like who? Right? Honestly, what all that matters is you and your daughter. Exactly, and the close people in you and the close people that really love you, are going to bring you up in life. High value people that are going to bring you up in life.
Speaker 2:Absolutely.
Speaker 1:People bringing it down, fuck them.
Speaker 2:And to just to touch base a little bit on what you said, joey, about the boundaries. I had so many shitty friends using me for financial reasons or whatever. And if it wasn't to the last like two months, I started having the confidence. And I swear again, like what you said, the gym, it gives you confidence back, it makes you feel good, and I have broken up with many friends in the last two months and it's not even like a fight breakup, it's.
Speaker 2:I realized how toxic they are and, and all of the above, and because I'm learning to love myself, I realized that I don't need other people to like me.
Speaker 2:I don't need so and so and so and so to like me. I don't need to lend them $2,000 because I don't give a fuck if they like me or not anymore, because I like myself and because I'm more confident in my own brain and I could sit alone on my couch. I'm not looking for anybody to come and hang out with me, because I can't stand the thoughts in my brain and that's a lot of what it was for a long time. I actually physically cannot handle being alone, especially when my daughter would be at her dad's house. I would be distraught all the time, and so I had anybody and everybody that would hang out with me. And uh, yeah, it took going to the gym and having the confidence and learning to love myself again, where I realized that I I love myself enough that I don't need anybody else to love me codependent yeah, codependent, you know what you you know that.
Speaker 3:You know when you start growing up is when you start losing friends. Agreed, because when you, because that's when you, like you just said you're cutting off people that you realize was not in your circle, but live making you live in a cage, yeah yeah, right, so you gotta, you, gotta, surround yourself self with people that fit your future, not your history.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and some of those people are the people that I ended up drinking with and like even though one like once, like there was a couple times it was my choice, like since, choosing sobriety. But those people were the ones that were like what do you mean? You're not coming out drinking? Just have one, just have one. Well, sorry, but I'm not somebody that just has one drink. That's not how I work. Like when I drink, it's I binge drink, right.
Speaker 1:Go big or go home.
Speaker 2:Yeah right, Go big or go home.
Speaker 3:Honestly, I've never seen a point of just having one or two.
Speaker 2:It's a waste of calories.
Speaker 3:This is kind of sidetracked here, but for me I'm not a big drinker, eric's the same I'll literally be the guy that'll dance on tables and buy rounds like once a year. True story, you know I don't, I don't buy beers on my way home from work.
Speaker 3:I have my kids three days a week. I don't care about drinking like I don't mind it, but again it goes back. Like you like hung over. I don't go to the gym, I eat fucking garbage. And then I've and especially at my age, I feel it for four days. I'm like man. Was it worth?
Speaker 2:well see, and that's why I would keep drinking, though, is because I'd wake up the next day feeling like shit.
Speaker 2:So I mean well, let's just get drunk again like and now that's where the cycle comes in yeah, it's a and it's a rough cycle and that's the alcoholism right, yeah, which it took me a lot it took me quitting drinking to realize I was an alcoholic, as fucked up as that is to say, it wasn't until I stopped drinking and I looked at everything I did when I was drinking and the fact that it was so hard and even though I said I stopped drinking, I still went back a couple times. I'm like holy fuck man, I'm an alcoholic like when the fuck did this happen? I?
Speaker 2:mean, mean it can run away on you, right, yeah, and I, because I was always around drugs and alcohol so much in my life I and I never got as bad as I did last year. I thought it was untouchable from addiction. I was like, no, I, it won't get me, because I always went on and off, like because I grew up around it. But I realized that I had addiction in other ways. I had a really bad shopping addiction which was my dopamine fix when I was sober and then when I stopped shopping, that's when I started drinking. So yeah, I've been an addict and this is like just trading one for another, exactly, and never realized that I was an addict until until recently, at the age of 36.
Speaker 2:Despite all the things I went through and what I've done, it took me 36 years to realize this shit.
Speaker 1:Well, good for you, though, like at least you, you know you're. That's the like. Major biggest step is realizing that, because then you're in the right track to fixing it, which you are so good. Congratulations, and good for you thank you you're very in your uh healing journey?
Speaker 3:are you doing counseling or therapy or anything as well?
Speaker 2:I've done counseling. I'm currently not, but that's only because I've tried two people out here, because I was in the Okanagan for a little bit and I had an amazing counselor and then she got sick with cancer and she had to stop practicing. And then I had another really good counselor but my trauma was really, really bad and she actually told me that she's not educated enough to deal with me and then referred me to somebody else and then I moved out here. Then I spent a long time not dealing with it. So I've done two. I haven't liked the two that I've had, but I'm big in the spiritual healing. I do yoga, I try to do meditation, but it's really hard for me. I'm really interested in Reiki healing. I want to give that a go.
Speaker 1:I was just going to say that my friend's a Reiki healer. I could even pass you the number later she's awesome.
Speaker 2:I would love that.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I can hook you up with that. She's a master Reiki master.
Speaker 2:Because, like the reality is, it's counseling for me and everybody is different, but I, actually, I, but I actually, I, like, I'm emotionally intelligent. So a lot of the things that we talk about or say, like I'm the one that says this is what I need to do. So I found.
Speaker 2:I found that it was repeating a circle for me and that's when I started leaning more into the gym and, like when I go to the gym, it's kind of it is therapy for me. My thoughts slow down when I'm in the gym because I'm counting everything I'm doing, but while I'm counting I'm still processing things, processing feelings and emotions. It's kind of crazy how much the gym has turned into therapy for me, even though I'm just talking to myself in my head it's still that for me.
Speaker 1:Have you ever thought of hypno?
Speaker 2:I'm nervous. I've thought about it, but it's something nervous because what if something comes up? Because I've had um, me and my sister. Both we block out a lot. Yeah, but were you scared of what it could bring up?
Speaker 1:a little. I mean, whatever, you just gotta go into it and grab the ball or the bull by the horns, you know I've lived through worse, I guess I, but hit no is definitely something I've heard about. I've heard and and I've been um I've been told that I should try it so I got a friend that has their own practice so if you're ever into that too, I can throw that your way as well no, it's kind of it was interesting.
Speaker 2:I mean it you only do it like a few times, though you don't really like do it once a week, type of thing, right?
Speaker 1:no, it's like a couple months, yeah, yeah, like once a month even, or something like that. But I only went like two times and I was like, uh, this is just not my thing.
Speaker 2:Like I mean I opened up a little bit, but I mean I tried different things and figuring out what it is that's gonna that's gonna help you heal, and that's kind of still where I'm at is. I don't necessarily know exactly how to get to where I'm going. I just know I'm going there and I'm going to try other things and I'm opening to trying a lot of things, um yeah.
Speaker 3:Um, may I make a suggestion? That this is a suggestion because you're doing, you're on your, you're on your journey and we support you a hundred percent, is, I would you know, because you went through so much in your life and certain like you went through so much in your life and certain like you went through from the abuse to the drinking and drugs, etc. Now your sobriety is taking care of the drinking and the drugs. Now I suggest, or yeah, I suggest to stick with some sort of counseling in terms of the, the domestic side, because you know, as you get better and and better yourself and elevate and your self-worth goes up, you start to attract much more positive people. That's just, that's the universe bringing it in because you're happier, your kids happier, you're bringing in better friends, etc. And I just and that's where the snowball comes in as people make positive changes in their life- I've definitely noticed that and recognize that, like even this podcast today.
Speaker 2:It's like if I didn't start making the positive changes in my life, I would be sitting here talking with you guys today, and a lot of my friends have noticed this. Ever since I made changes in my life, it's like everything that I thought that was impossible is actually turning out to be possible, and it's been a wild few months. It's been crazy, that's for sure. But counseling is definitely something that I know that I should, and really do need to get back into.
Speaker 3:Well, the reason I say that is because that now deals with the abusive side of all your relationships. Because now that you're starting to become more happier and better in your life, and you know, and it's going to take time, and you're putting in the work, obviously, and you're looking forward to, you know, next year, this day and the night and day, and we hope that you come back and talk to us in a year from now and see where you're at. But also remember that by your counseling too is that eventually you're going to meet a nice guy, and this time it's someone that's going to be different.
Speaker 2:Sorry.
Speaker 1:Maybe not right now. They're out there, we're out there. I'm a nice guy, no, but what I'm?
Speaker 3:saying is it will come to you at some point in your life because your life is changing for the better. Well, if I don't do my healing, I'm not going to treat them properly. You got to take well, that's what I'm saying is then it'll make you uncomfortable, right? So I'm not saying you're going to find someone tomorrow, but a part of your healing and you're already.
Speaker 2:I'm mentally not see the way that I see that, see that now I'm first of all mentally not well enough, which I'm aware of, but also I, my daughter's just getting me back, nobody's taking my time away from her.
Speaker 3:Well, I'm just saying down the road when that comes and if you haven't and what I'm saying is is, if you haven't dealt with that part, and a year from now, two years, whenever you, you know you, you grow and you become better and this is who you attract, because that's exactly what will happen is you're now going to attract somebody. If you stay on the path you're on, you will attract someone that you've never dated before, because this person is going to treat you right, is going to be respectful, never lay his hands on you. But now, when that, when that comes, that day comes, because it will is now, from now until whenever. That is a part of that is fixing, you know the abusive side that you've had to deal with. So that way, that nice guy and that good guy doesn't make you uncomfortable and he ends up getting hurt because it's not.
Speaker 2:Well, it's also the fact of being able to trust the fact that he's a good guy. I was just saying this to Eric that like, actually, I like I believe pretty much that every man was a narcissistic sociopath and when I started listening to you guys, the podcast I, it actually kind of changed my perspective a little, just a little bit, on men, because I'm like whoa, there's guys out there that actually have feelings, because every male I've ever known and been with has been a narcissistic sociopath. So I actually every guy to me, was that Do you know why?
Speaker 1:I'll tell you why right now.
Speaker 2:Tell me why.
Speaker 1:Because you weren't ready.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:You were hurting inside, so you're attracting these other hurt people.
Speaker 3:And that's you were damaged, so you attracted damage.
Speaker 2:I also.
Speaker 2:That's exactly what and when you're a damaged person. I've talked about this. So, like um, I've said, you know, while I was, while I was drug dealing and stuff like that, and I said I would never date a drug dealer. Well, how could I never date a drug again? Obviously, how could I ever never date a drug dealer and be a drug dealer myself? Because what type of normal classy dude is going to want to date some hood rat? Like doesn't make sense. So if I wanted that standards for someone, I would have to have that same standard for myself exactly like I'm all about high value woman.
Speaker 1:I know what I bring to the table. It's a matter of what they can bring to the table and it's not about you know like being better or anything like it's I. I just want you know someone that works like takes care of itself but at the same time will give me my space too. Right and high value they. You know what I mean it's. It's nothing like well, I mean everybody's got problems, but I mean you know it's just everyone also has things that they need or want in their life.
Speaker 3:But the truth is is you will never attract what you want. You attract who you are. Yeah, exactly. Wow, yeah, because there's so many people that want this, this, this and this, but they can't like if this is something that that's crazy.
Speaker 2:That's a great thing to say.
Speaker 3:We say it all the time. If you want this, this and this and this from a person, that's great, but you have to be able to match that list and if you can't, you will never get this list. And when you went through the relationships that you went through, you attracted it because you had your own issues and you attracted the people that had their issues that never dealt with their issues. So you guys came together and that's why you didn't work out is because it became toxic.
Speaker 3:And but when you get to a place and your self-worth and self-esteem and all that raises and you're the happiest and best that you've ever been and you attract that person, that's when people will meet the one yeah you will never meet the one when you are still damaged and you still haven't dealt with your shit well, because the best, the best version of you will never be good enough for the wrong person, but when you're at your lowest, it'll still be good enough for the right person.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I mean I was on top. I was on top of my game like three years ago. I was doing good, I was killing it in life, everything was going good for me. And that's when I met my fiance, just walked into my life and she was amazing, top. I mean, she was one of the best persons I've ever met in my life and Joey can stand for that, he knows her and she was just amazing and I wasn't expecting it. You know, at the same time it's really sad she passed away last year. But I mean, shit happens, it really does, yeah. But I mean, like, for that example, I wasn't looking for anything, I was hitting the gym, I was making meal prep and killing it. You know, just doing good, killing it at work.
Speaker 2:Being comfortable with being alone is key.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I'm my. I'm my own best friend. I don't like going out, I rather just chill Like you see my snaps, you see my cloud roof. You know like my room is dope.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:You know what I mean it is. It's really dope. Yeah right, but I'm my own best friend. I I like being by myself, because I enjoy myself company I've started.
Speaker 2:That's exactly what I've started to do again, and I think that it's really important for people to be alone and love to be alone. Not single alone, but like alone alone, because that's where you settle in relationships. And I could say that I could never be alone before. I was in a relationship from like 14 to 33. I was like fully, I was only ever single for a month or two, right, um, and you said you don't, you settle because you can't be alone. Now that I'm alone, like if you, I'm alone. If a dude's not on my level, you're not coming around because I don't need you, I don't need anybody.
Speaker 1:It's a high value.
Speaker 2:Exactly, and I enjoy sitting by myself. I enjoy meal prepping alone. I enjoy all the things I do alone. It's hard for me to even go out and hang out with friends. Sometimes on the weekends, I don't have my kid anymore because I would rather go to the gym, come home, meal prep and watch my shows.
Speaker 1:Yeah, or do normal things, go bowling or go watch a movie or do yeah, not going to the bar or the clubs or whatever.
Speaker 3:But you have to and most people won't and can't both just like you for the longest time.
Speaker 2:You know, I couldn't be alone.
Speaker 3:When you're able to eliminate those distractions, stay home is when you will find your purpose, you'll find what you truly want to do. And if you can separate that and just focus on yourself because in your healing process of coming through all your traumas and the counseling and your, your sobriety in the gym is you're gonna have lonely days because I went through like a month or two where I was just like man because my phone, like you, used to ring 30 times a weekend. We're going out here.
Speaker 2:We're doing this now fuck it.
Speaker 3:I don't even think it rings.
Speaker 2:I look I'll have like two calls in a day now and I've only been sober for a few months, but it really just goes to show what you were there for A million percent.
Speaker 3:And you start to realize, as you grow, and filter out the people that are not good in your life and keeping you in this cage.
Speaker 3:there is a lonely period, but in that lonely period is being alone and figuring it out where you want to be in your life and finding that magic that people look for. But they're so distracted with life and their phones and Tinders and going out on Friday nights that, like, what are you guys celebrating? You guys aren't where you want to be in your life. So what it is you're popping bottles for, like you, should be focusing on you, and the one word that will change your life is saying no.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it was really hard for me to learn to say no to hanging out with people because I was such a people pleaser, because of the way that I grew up and I only, like recently, just started saying no to like going to things. And it's like why? It's like cause I just don't want to. If I, if it's, if I, if it's work to get ready to go to it, that means I don't want to go. If I drag myself off the couch, why the fuck am I doing it? I don't have to be at every event. I don't really care to be there, and when I go there, it's not like I don't drink anymore, like it's not fun. So why would I get ready and go like? The answer is no, I'm gonna do a late night gym session and watch some true crime documentaries.
Speaker 1:Like fuck that I mean it's okay to go, like once in a blue moon, like that's how I do, like I'll go out when, like, it's my buddy's birthday, right, yeah, like that, but not just like for a Friday night for no reason.
Speaker 1:Let's go do karaoke at their fucking ghetto bar in Langley like you don't want to hear me sing, I'll tell you that everybody will leave. It's like fucking a dying, just killing a cat. But um, yeah, I mean how okay, so let's get back to this. So how did you like get out of like this, this whole funk, like, what was the like?
Speaker 2:um, I started so about two years ago was when I got really suicidal. Um, in my split with my ex-husband and this stone cold sober, not even alcohol induced, I would sit there with a handful of oxys in my car wanting to take them and then remembering that who the fuck's gonna pick up my kid from preschool? And then, through my drinking, I probably been November and December. I was really bad drinking. Our wedding anniversary is December 31st, so December was always a bad month for me. After leaving, um, there was a couple times it'd be like five, six o'clock in the morning, I'm drunk, I'm coked out of it and I was hold on hold on, hold on, hold on hold on.
Speaker 1:Does that date still get to you, trigger you?
Speaker 2:well, last December 31st, I stayed up for two days partying. So the answer is yes. This year is going to be my first year doing it sober and actually dealing with the emotions, um, so that's something I haven't done yet.
Speaker 1:So so what you're doing is you're letting this all this live rent free in your head yes, that's exactly it.
Speaker 2:I wasn't letting go of anything. I was glued to my pain. I was, I was addicted to my own pain, I, I, I didn't know how not to feel it, and it was like I was making myself feel pain by allowing it to still hold such significant purpose in my life so it's controlling you and taking your light away pretty much yeah so yeah, but now you're, you're taking that back step by step and, like joey says, all the time, one degree each day I'm actually really excited for this.
Speaker 1:Oh sorry no, no, no, no, you're good, you're good. Don't say sorry. You want to do the, you want to explain the one degree. Have you heard that?
Speaker 3:no, okay there you go. So, basically, if you look at a ship and it's in the middle of the ocean and you offset, like that ship has a destination, now if you offset that ship's destination by one degree, three days a week, two weeks later, you're not going to notice a difference Three months later. And it crosses that ocean. It is in a completely different destination, just on that one degree Three months later. And it's the same as when you rebuild your life and every day you do something that's one degree off of your routine, just the smallest thing, yeah, and that will start to create the snowball.
Speaker 3:And all of a sudden, now you just met someone that you never thought you would met or meet. Because you decided to take this class, yeah, and now, because you decided to take that class, the person that you meet now knows this person who just got you the best job you've ever gotten. And now that you got this job, it's now projected you into a bigger house that you've always wanted or whatever. Because of that one little thing that you need to do in your day-to-day routine, because most people are like Zombieland and it's just the same thing. I get up at five, I drink a glass of water, I go to work, I come home, I feed the kids, I watch my netflix and I go to bed. So to me personally is if you look forward, fast forward a year from today and your life is the exact same and nothing's really changed.
Speaker 1:You have wasted an entire year of your life yeah and time's the most time's the most valuable thing in this life a million percent.
Speaker 3:So every day just do one little thing like go for a walk for 10 minutes. You're not a walker, do it anyway, yeah you know you never made your bed every morning. You never do make your fucking that's. You never do Make your fucking bed.
Speaker 2:That's something that since I got sober that's so funny that you mentioned that, because I looked at my bed this morning when I made it and I was like, fuck, it feels good Because, since my sobriety, that's like my one thing, because I read like to make your bed every morning as soon as you get up, like that's one completed task.
Speaker 2:And when you come from someone who hasn't been completing anything to complete one task first thing in the morning, it actually sets the standards for the day and now every time I walk through my room to my bathroom, my room looks cute, I got my stuffies on my bed and and it feels good and it me like it and and it's weird. But making your bed can actually help help progress your life, help the progression.
Speaker 1:We say it all the time.
Speaker 3:We preach that, and that's even when you're yeah, and when you even when you're in like a depressive state and you're just feeling down all the time, it's the same as going to the gym. It's going to make you feel better if you go, yeah, and it's the same as you walk through. When I was so down, I didn't give a fuck if there was dishes in the sink. I would walk by a shirt on the floor because I was on autopilot and all I was doing was thinking about my problems and not giving a shit. But then I would come back an hour or two later and look at it and feel even shittier because I've just realized that I've left that there for three days. And so when you're able to do the little tiny one degree every day keeping your house clean, mow the lawn and it sounds so cheesy it helps build on the fitness as well and making yourself feel better. Go get fresh haircuts every two as well, guys. Every two weeks, girls, go get your hair done, Get your nails done.
Speaker 2:It's that thing feel good, look good, right, and you know what. There's been days like even my anxiety. I had really bad anxiety the other day and it was really hard for me, but what did I do? I ended up getting in the shower, showering, blow-drying my hair and, like the fact they went and took care of myself and helped relieve some of my anxiety and been quite an evening and I really enjoyed it and
Speaker 3:I just want to say, uh, first, thank you for everyone that's tuned in this week. We are Raw Minds. We are the podcast that dives deep into the issues and traumas of mental health, and if you guys are listening and you are struggling and you really don't know if you can make it another day, please reach out to us rawmindspodcast at gmailcom. Myself, eric, we answer any message, the phone and if you don't think you're gonna make it for another hour, we will call you asap and we will be there to help you. And if you need to find resources in the town that you live in and we don't, we will help you find those. So please reach out to us raw minds podcast at gmailcom. Hit us up on the tiktoks. I also have iron menace, which is a fitness platform. Uh, you can hit me up there as well. And uh, that's and we're.
Speaker 3:We're here every week and you know, myself and eric have lived 30 years of trauma and abuse and loss of family, and the list goes on try to kill ourselves, and that's why we do what we do. So to be able to come out on the other side of that and talk with you guys is is a is a blessing for us and it's, and it's our, it's our counseling, you know, and paying it forward right Just to try to save someone's life. So we want to thank you for that and on my end, I would also love to thank Miss Rudy. You've been awesome and it'd been such a pleasure and great to sit and talk with you.
Speaker 2:And thank you guys. It's been an honor to be here, you guys are awesome.
Speaker 3:Yeah, and I'm really sorry that you had to go through the things that you you've gone through, but you know what, like Eric said earlier, it's's it has made you who you are today and it is making you a stronger person than you probably ever thought you could be and we wish you and I wish you personally nothing but the best on your your healing journey, and if there's anything that you ever need from us or if you want us to help promote once you get your podcast going and all this and all that jazz, we support you 100%.
Speaker 3:We got your back.
Speaker 2:Thank you guys, so much, thank you.
Speaker 3:On that note on my end if you can't find good people, be good people.
Speaker 1:Thank you, rudy, you did it.
Speaker 3:Thank you.
Speaker 1:Like Joey said, we will definitely help you. I'll show you the ins and outs.
Speaker 2:Well, now that I got a little bit of a taste of it and now that I feel like I feel pretty comfortable in the end, I definitely think I'm gonna start getting into it and seeing how to go about this, because this is pretty cool and what you guys are doing is really is a really really good thing, and I want to be a part of it and I want to help people too well, you're doing it.
Speaker 1:You're already. Right now you're on the podcast, you know, you, you talked about what you went through and stuff like that, right, and who knows, we're international, we're all over the place philippines, mexico, japan, like we're all over the place, right. So maybe you know it's going to help. We have women listeners. It's going to help. We have women listeners. It's going to help women listeners, you know, and also men, hopefully, like my biggest thing is like you hear Rudy here what she's gone through, because you know men there, they haven't dealt with their issues and stuff and you're taking it out on people that you supposedly love, which is bullshit. You know we should all be getting getting coming together and helping each other, not fucking hurting each other you know.
Speaker 1:So I mean it works both ways. So if you're listening out there and you've raised your hand to a woman, fuck you like smarten the fuck up, you know, because like you're hurting people and it's just it doesn't just go away after the bruise, it sits there forever exactly forever when people don't realize that, right, yeah, well, again, you know that it comes down to that's what you attracted as well.
Speaker 3:It's not your fault that you got hit, but it's what you. That's who you were addicted to chaos, yeah yeah, addicted to chaos. That's what you were, that's what you attracted into your life, and you might not be the physical abuser, but you had a lot of issues that you never dealt with going into these relationships, absolutely so, of course, this is the type of people that you attracted into your life, and a lot of people don't look at it like that either.
Speaker 2:But I would I would.
Speaker 3:I loved them and I would never hurt them like that and I. But the reason why you're with this person is because you ignored all the red flags in the beginning. You seen them. You ignored it because you didn't have any self-esteem, self-worth.
Speaker 2:Cause I wasn't ready to put it in the work.
Speaker 3:Exactly exactly, and there's a lot of things that you held on to that you never dealt with, which made you very damaged at the time. Yeah, and of course, that's what you attracted was the damaged people, right so, but you're killing it. You know what you're killing it, we're so happy that you've. You've seen the light and making those changes and picking the path that you need to walk thank you, guys, yeah right, yeah feels really good well, so I hope you keep in touch with us I definitely will do we come back on anything.
Speaker 1:Yeah, we have. This was a good one, yeah anytime you want.
Speaker 2:Anytime you want, I'm here podcast and you know, but it shows this, the other side of the story, right yeah you know I mean and like maybe some guys need to hear it in order for them to start doing putting in, putting in some changes on how they treat a woman. Maybe they don't really see how what they're really doing to them.
Speaker 1:Exactly A hundred percent.
Speaker 3:And women also see, with the way we talk and the guests that we've had, is how men also, like you said, you didn't think guys had feelings Like there's a lot of us that struggle every day and it's really hard on us, but it's really hard for a woman to understand a man and it's really hard for a man to understand a woman, obviously. But the reason why we do this is not only to help people, but also show and maybe help people realize that we all are human, we all have emotions and we all struggle. From a man's perspective, we have messages all the time, a lot more lately, by women. I love listening to you guys because I didn't think that men did that. Or now I see why my husband is like that.
Speaker 3:Or opening up the eyes, and they're getting pointers of like okay, the next argument maybe that's why he's like that.
Speaker 2:And now they're being more understanding, because we're also giving the females the information of like no, this is why guys do this, this is why we're hurting, this is why I'm sure you guys are giving ben the power to communicate about feelings and emotions too, because the fact that you two guys are saying it, I'm sure it's allowing other people, other men, to feel comfortable saying it to their girlfriends or wives or making their relationship better with everyone around them.
Speaker 1:Well, one of the biggest things that I preach definitely especially if you're in a relationship is usually, if you're fighting with your partner, it's not you versus them, it's you and your partner versus the problem. Yeah, and people need to look at it like that. You know and it's true. Yeah, and people need to look at it like that. You know and it's true, and like you, you have your partner say, and and you come home from work, you know, and you're about 30 percent. You know you had a rough day. You're about 30. Well, your partner should help you. I don't think relationships are 50 50.
Speaker 1:It just goes back and forth yeah, sometimes it's 20, 80, sometimes it's 60, 40, exactly yeah so if I'm 30, then then my partner picks up that 60, you know, and takes care of that 60, and then, and vice versa, when that right. So I try to implement like it's not you versus your partner, it's you and your partner versus the problem yeah and it's just about communication, right?
Speaker 1:so hopefully, instead of people lift raising their hands you know they use their mouths and communicate sit down, figure it out, and if you guys can't figure it out, then go separate ways. Be fucking an adult. Yeah, you know what I mean. Figure it out, but anyways, I think, uh, that's it for us. So I just want to say thank you, appreciate, yeah, appreciate it. Awesome Thank you guys so much again too.
Speaker 3:On a side note, check out my fitness clothing line, ironmenacecom. I'm coming up with some new woman shit. Next week I definitely will be All right guys, all right.
Speaker 1:Have a good night guys.
Speaker 2:Bye Thank you Bye Peace out.
Speaker 3:Peace out.
Speaker 1:you can't make money and you don't have money.
